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| Blogs > rm_AmyNGreg > Our ecclectic thought patterns |
OK Boys we need to have a little heart to heart here...
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OK Boys we need to have a little heart to heart here... ~Amy Here~ I have come to the conclusion that some of you out there are either blind, deaf, socially retarded, don't care or don't want to get laid EVER!!! I think the movie "Hitch" had a great premise. A lot of men out there need help in certain area's so that they will be sought after by the opposite sex. Hell, sometimes even NOTICED by us. But there are some of you out there that just flat out don't get certain things. WE have tried to get the message out to the main stream but some of you just refuse to watch "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy". It's not a "gay" show, it's a learning tool. USE IT. Now, please understand, I am blogging this to try and help you out a bit, in hopes that you realize you might be an offender and MAYBE correct the situation!!! Ask your wife, girlfriend, friend's wife, whatever...if worse comes to worse, turn, face the mirror and actually PAY ATTENTION to what you look like. I know, it's a novel idea but hey...it might just work. In the "Art of Wooing" as I like to call it, there are several little things that can go unnoticed by the common man. But dear fellow, these are things that women pay attention to. For example, just because your shirt is blue plaid and your pants are blue stripped, it does NOT mean they go together. 2 different patterns = bad. Colors arent the only thing you need to match. It makes us think that you really don't put thought into your wardrobe, (and therefore don't care about looking good for us) even though you may have "tried" to match lol. Couple of hints here...khaki pants & NICE jeans match pretty much everything. Now I say "pretty much" because I just know one of you beasties is gonna go out and put a khaki shirt and Khaki pants together and think..."I'm cool, they match". No! Do not pass go, do not collect $200. You might as well have a pocket protector and a Star Trek communicator on your belt. Vary your colors, try asking a female that you trust (not your ex because she'll just lie, to make you look like an Ass...believe me) what colors look good on you. Then go pick up some nice trendy shirts. They don't have to be expensive...we'll settle for clean. Honestly! Many guys think pink shirts make you look "gay"...when what it really says is "I'm not afraid to take a risk". Lots of chicks dig pink on a guy...try it! You might be surprised. Clothes that FIT-if your pudge hangs out from the bottom of your t-shirt...throw it away. If it has stains on it...throw it away. If its ripped, torn or otherwise shabby...don't even think about wearing it on a date, to a party or out in public for hell's sake! (oh and then...THROW IT AWAY) Take pride in yourself and women will notice...I promise!!! Ironing - Its not a hard thing, if you need practice, pull out a pillow case and iron it. Try it on a towel even. Once you are ok with the feel of an iron in your hand, move on to underwear...or old tshirts. THEN when you feel you won't burn a hole through a shirt, give it a try. You could even be a brave little toaster (no pun intended lol) and try STARCH!!! If you really can't get the whole "ironing" concept down, send your shirts to the cleaners. Are you really going to let the $2 thsat you'd spend on a clean AND pressed shirt stand in your way of perpetual nookie? I think not. Hair (facial and otherwise) - This is a biggy!!! Now, I know some of you out there think ZZ Top is "da bomb" or maybe you have been just fine with the same haircut you've had since 1970...but believe me...women look at this very critically. You all remember "Doc Brown" from Back to the Future...not a good look today! (or anyday for that matter) Balding guys...the comb over isnt fooling anyone. If you have the " shoe" effect going on...think about shaving it all off. Chicks dig totally bald men...maybe its some sort of Mr. Clean Fetish...who knows. But believe me, if you have a great shaped head...try it. You could go from nerd to stud with just a pair of clippers and a razor. Honestly!!! Eyebrows & Ears - Pluck, Pluck, Pluck, Pluck, PLUCK!!! The Unibrow has been totally out of fashion for oh....about the last million years. There should be TWO EYEBROWS...not one continuous line of hair. Cromagnan Man went extinct for a reason. Also, if you have those big long Granddaddy hairs in your eyebrows that curl around and make you look like you have tentacles...cut them OFF or pull them out. It just makes you look like an old man. Next time you go get your hair cut, ask if they can wax your eyebrows. Or again, find a woman you trust and have her pluck or wax yours. We do it to ourselves, and it might give you a little insight into what we go through as well. As for your ears...guess what, you're getting older and with age comes the ungodly hair that sprouts out of NO WHERE!!! If you can reach up and can pull a hair out from your ear right now...I'll venture to bet there are MORE there. Have someone pluck them too. Its just distracting to us to watch them wiggle in the wind. And sometimes down right disturbing. Keep your hair clean, neat and under control. The bar of soap in your shower...not a good shampoo!!! Good hair care products are worth the money. Even if your hair is crewcut short, at least invest in a good gel! Nose Hair - is a HUGE thing. Believe me, a woman is not even gonna THINK about kissing a guy who has nose hair peaking out. Its like little octopus tentacles trying to grab the sides of your nose and force itself OUT. Reminds me of a chest burster from Aliens...No thank you! Nose hair trimmers are cheap and work wonders. USE IT!!! Mustaches - when the hair grows INTO your mouth, its a total turn off. I don't think there's a woman out there that would want to kiss you at all...just plain and simple. Keep it trimmed so we can still see your lip!!! Also keep it combed and clean. "Crumb saver" is just a nickname, not a literal ideal. Ewwww. On to Oral Hygiene. Now, I know not everyone was blessed with great teeth. But there's a new invention out there...its called a toothbrush. Please research this and use it...with toothpaste even!!! Hell if you know you're going out and MIGHT wanna kiss a woman keep a pack of cinnamon gum with you at all times. Tasting what you had for lunch is NOT a way to win friends and influence people of the opposite sex. If you are missing any front teeth, have broken or otherwise awful teeth...and want to get even a hint of a woman's perfume??? Go see a dentist. Its worth it in the long run. Even just for your health...why live with decay...I mean come on...its just Gross!!! Just a word to those out there that think it doesn't matter....you'd be wrong. You may get a kiss the first time (if you are very very VERY lucky). But after that...it just ain't gonna happen again. Not without alot of drinking and usually not even then. Nails - Fingers AND TOES!!! A great date could be getting a manicure and pedicure together. Women love to get both of these and usually find it sexy when a man goes with her. Grimy, broken, unkept nails are horrible to look at and hold hands with. (Much less let slide into you hint hint!!!) And can you possibly think we LIKE getting cuddly with a guy that has raptor claws for toe nails? Its not attractive. Manicures and pedicures do not need to include the dreaded "nail polish" so don't get all "I am NOT a metrosexual" on me. If you can't see yourself going to a nail salon (hint: most hair salons do nails too by the way) then invest in a pair of nail clippers. Or better yet, ask your woman to do it for you. We love that kinda thing usually and would be happy to save you. And here's another little hint, I know you all have hand lotion by the bed (its behind the kleenex box, I soooo know you have it boys. Its not a secret ya know hehe) Try using it on your HANDS and FEET for a change of pace hehe. You might not need it for other things if you do!!! So, I imagine (make that hope and pray) that at this point, some of you have found one or two things that might be "you". Please take the time to remember these little bits of "Womanly Wisdom" and you just MIGHT get a little luckier than you have been in the past. I'm not sayin' you haven't been lucky...but just think about being even luckier!!! (wink wink nudge nudge ya know what I mean bro?!?!) I just want to help those less fortunate husbands, boyfriends and otherwise great guys out there get the most out of themselves...nothing more. Even if you THINK your wife or woman doesn't care...you're wrong. She just decided to finally give up, cause you wouldn't listen and so sometimes it helps hearing it from someone else. Let me be that someone else that pushes your lazy ass into the hairstylist, dentist, Old Navy or hell even Wal-Mart. If one man plucks and flosses, tosses the 20 year old t-shirt from highschool, or even manages to remove the gunk from under his fingernails, due to reading my blog...My work here is done!!! WE AIM TO MISBEHAVE |
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5/3/2006 10:09 pm |
*looks for the midol* hehe...actually amy you hit several items right on the head!!  KITTY CATT
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