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Humpday Humor (a lil early)
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Humpday Humor (a lil early) NEVER WAX YOUR PUSSY All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now....the wax. Read on..........My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the . I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should get the waxing kit from the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else)and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward<b> body hair </font></b>and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the , I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my pussy and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!..... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out.... I must stay conscious.... I must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe.... OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over<b> body hair. </font></b>I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... it's not! I touch.. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake ... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand in the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right ??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub..... in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. 'So, my butt and pussy are glued together to the bottom of the tub!' There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or pussy?' She's laughing out loud by now ... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color......how bad can that turn out???  Pull My Fucking Hair!  |
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OH YEAH....been there, done that.......I didn't dare use the remover though, I think I used rubbing alcohol...... and I had lovely welts from where I used the 'pain free' cold wax strips for over a week........ Now they are advertising something called 'NO NO'....which they claim is PAIN FREE......I keep looking at the infomercial, wondering if pain free means...PAIN FREE.......  Pull My Fucking Hair!
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OH YEAH....been there, done that.......I didn't dare use the remover though, I think I used rubbing alcohol...... and I had lovely welts from where I used the 'pain free' cold wax strips for over a week........ Now they are advertising something called 'NO NO'....which they claim is PAIN FREE......I keep looking at the infomercial, wondering if pain free means...PAIN FREE....... what the world needs now..........    
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That is one hot pussy pic, eh?  Pull My Fucking Hair!
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I can't say anything, cause I can't stop laughing!!  Pull My Fucking Hair!
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ROFLMAO Excellent advice my friend! Pull My Fucking Hair!
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What a tease! You say pull my hair and then shave it all off, now how am I going to lead you on a walk around the room? I hate to break the bad news, but some of us like the au natural look it gives you personality.  I like the feel of slippery smooth - loath razor stubble as it grows back - can handle "reasonable" amounts of hair - good for a month or two - then start the process all over again! Pull My Fucking Hair!
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Now that's pretty funny! But that picture... it looks like someone pinching something between two fingers.  Pinching something between two fingers, eh? LMAO I have always given you men credit for admiring the "pussy" as it is a highly unusual looking critter.......lots of fun.........but unusual looking! Pull My Fucking Hair!
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Hilarious Pull My Fucking Hair!
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Oh shit! I don't know whether to hug ya or slap the shit right out of your secure butt for putting that delicious picture in with this post. I am horny with a capital "H". My Enzyte really is kicking in. Thats my only two choices........slapping or hugging? What about hair pulling? Pull My Fucking Hair!
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After reading this, Sugar, I don't think I will ever have another BAD day. You are the record holder.. Pull My Fucking Hair!
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As old as I am I have never been able to understand this aspect of female thought. As far as I am concerned a nicely decorated pussy is always a much bigger turn on. So why go to all that pain? And in my younger days I dont believe there was any such thing. Along with the fad for skinny women this is yet another crazy craze created by women's magazines. Actually I once also has my pubes shaved off when I was about 16 years old and that was also once of the most painful experineces I have yet to encounter. Even more painful than the operation on my right foot that required my legs and pubes to be shaved bare. The problem was that the nurse was only about 19 or 20 and it was excruciating trying to avoid raising a boner during the 10 minutes or so she took to denude me. Thinking about it now though, a good stiff boner would have made her job a helluvalot bloody easier rather than her having to move the floppy excuse from side to side to keep it from getting shaved off along with the hair. You got me laughing so hard I nearly had an accident! I have such a visual of the entire process of you being denuded you stop the madness! Personally I like the feeling of smoothness better than TOO hairy, but despise the regrowth until it is at about 2 weeks along........then all is well again for a month or so until the entire process starts over. Pull My Fucking Hair!
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I can't say anything, cause I can't stop laughing!! Stop by my blog and say hello [blog veroxxxfun]
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Now that's pretty funny! But that picture... it looks like someone pinching something between two fingers.
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7/30/2010 7:37 pm |
Hilarious Recent post: [post 2369941]
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7/30/2010 7:42 am |
Oh shit! I don't know whether to hug ya or slap the shit right out of your secure butt for putting that delicious picture in with this post. I am horny with a capital "H". My Enzyte really is kicking in. I'm a Real sucker for nipples Originator of the Cock Salad
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7/30/2010 7:39 am |
After reading this, Sugar, I don't think I will ever have another BAD day. You are the record holder.. I'm a Real sucker for nipples Originator of the Cock Salad
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As old as I am I have never been able to understand this aspect of female thought. As far as I am concerned a nicely decorated pussy is always a much bigger turn on. So why go to all that pain? And in my younger days I dont believe there was any such thing. Along with the fad for skinny women this is yet another crazy craze created by women's magazines. Actually I once also has my pubes shaved off when I was about 16 years old and that was also once of the most painful experineces I have yet to encounter. Even more painful than the operation on my right foot that required my legs and pubes to be shaved bare. The problem was that the nurse was only about 19 or 20 and it was excruciating trying to avoid raising a boner during the 10 minutes or so she took to denude me. Thinking about it now though, a good stiff boner would have made her job a helluvalot bloody easier rather than her having to move the floppy excuse from side to side to keep it from getting shaved off along with the hair. Sir Teezalot WAR IS ABSURD
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LMAO~ Great story! Pull My Fucking Hair!
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You brave, brave Mainenite man you!  ?*Pull My Fucking Hair!
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7/29/2010 5:05 pm |
LMAO~ Great story!
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Dont feel to bad I fell asleep with nair on my legs underarms and my private place. I was working 3rds then so I lay on the bed just for a few minutes. NOT 4 hours later I was burnt from the stuff and it hurt like hell to lowe my arms. I would nver try coloring my own hair it would prbably fall out. Oh yea I am a grandmother 8lbs 8oz baby girl 18 and a hald inches long and as cute as a kitten. Take caare my friend. Vida Congrats Grandma! Pull My Fucking Hair!
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LOL......I had such a visual! Pull My Fucking Hair!
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I've never tied any of that stuff for just this reason but I'm glad you lived to tell the tale! 469's was hilarious too! Pull My Fucking Hair!
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Bend over Vern........ ............. ............ You need a spanking! Pull My Fucking Hair!
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It is a classic to be sure. I first saw a variation on the following around 1970. Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks (that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs) I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry. Pull My Fucking Hair!
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