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Ask Dr. Screwlittle
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Ask Dr. Screwlittle Does Savanna Samson (I don’t even think that’s her real name) really have the authority to give out sex advice ? And more importantly does she have more authority than ME to give out sex advice . I say no ‒ HELL no . Lets see what her credentials are - “So let's give a warm welcome to Savanna Samson who joins Adult Dating zone as our advice columnist for the first half of 2007! Vivid Girl and Super Star Savanna Samson is a multiple AVN Award-winning adult actress also known for her business savvy. Earlier this year she captured international media attention with the introduction of her first wine, Sogno Uno (Dream One), which was acclaimed by leading wine critic Robert M. Parker with a 91-point rating. Ms. Samson was a co-author with other Vivid Girls of the best selling How to Have a XXX Sex Life: The Ultimate Vivid Guide, (HarperCollins/ReganBooks) (see our archives for the review -- it really was a hot book). Sampson's advice pen is hot off a sex advice column for Men’s Fitness online magazine.” Not very impressive is it ? I make my own wine in the bathtub and my friend squeezebox gave it a 99 point rating ‒ so suck on that Samson . Besides what does alcohol have to do with sex ? Nothing , that’s what . Anyway , now lets check out my credentials . A ‒ I have had up to one sexual partner B ‒ I captured media attention by getting stuck in a water slide last summer C ‒ I co-authored (with other Vivid Girls) the best-selling A Davinci Code D-Z ‒ My advice pen is shiny and looks cools I think that should clear things up about who’s more qualified to be throwing advice around . Me 1 , Samson 0 . But what does Samson have to say for herself ? Check this out - “I find helping others enjoy better sex lives very rewarding,” says Ms. Samson. Seems a little patronizing to me ‒ hows about you ? I mean come on , no one finds helping people rewarding ‒ she’s just saying something here that we all know is an obvious fabrication . It just doesn’t show a lot of class if you ask me . Furthermore she goes on to say “Much of our identity is tied up in our sexuality so it is fundamental to our attitude towards life,” she adds. “When I was a young girl in Catholic school, I never imagined I would find my self-confidence by being nude and enjoying a career in adult film.” Jiggawhat ? If people’s identity was tied up in sexuality most of us would be dead ‒ stone cold dead . Where does this porn star get off telling us that sexuality is fundamental in our attitude towards life ? Sure that may work for movie stars and car racers , but this is the real world . Our identity comes from the stuff we watch on TV and our crappy soul-crushing jobs . And what’s worse when I was a young girl in Catholic school I did NOTHING BUT imagine that I would find my self confidence by being nude and enjoying a career in adult film . Once again , Samson is left in the dirt here . Its sad really how much more qualified I am than her to do this advice thing . Well I think I’ve humiliated Samson enough , lets get to the questions . To spare you Samson’s pathetic floundering I’ll just paraphrase her responses . How to Squirt During Sex Hello, Savanna, I've only been able to squirt when I masturbate. Could you tell me what is the best way to accomplish squirting during intercourse? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Savanna! UCLAVamp87, 19 F Hi UCLAVamp87! Now here Savanna gives some song and dance about levels of comfort and whatnot and when she finally gets around to giving some advice she said do on the floor . Weak . She also mentions the “cushiony” part of the vagina ‒ which no one wants to hear about . My advice on the squirting thing is simple . Just do it . I mean for the love of Zod I’ve squirted every time I’ve had sex ‒ its not hard . What’s hard is not squirting BEFORE you have sex . Now that causes problems . Or so I’ve heard . This squirting question is much ado about nothing . But if you really have trouble with it try picturing my face ‒ that always works for me . Then Savanna has the audacity to say “Kisses , Savanna !” Kisses ? Look lady , just because someone asks you a question that doesn’t mean they want to make you with you . Unless I guess the question they asked is “Will you make out with me ?” But you see what I’m saying . I’ll end my comments with a much more acceptable - You’re welcome Helping out the Competition Hello, Savanna, Welcome to Adult Dating zone! I'd like to get my wife a vibrator for a gift (a little healthy competition never hurt anyone, hehe). And I was wondering what you might recommend or recommend I stay away from? Or, if there is something out there better than a vibrator that I might want to get that would be helpful too. Thanks! Taboo4u1971, 35 M Dear Taboo4u1971, She really rambles on about this one ‒ but she never actually gets around to giving any advice . Not good Savanna , not good . Plus she says that her lover gets as much pleasure from it as she does . Wrong . Just shows how selfish she is . Plus she mentions something about a clit stimulator . What the heck is a clit ? I never heard of such a thing and I’ve been in the sex advice business for over 65 years . I assume Samson made it up to sound smart . Typical . On to my advice . First of all my priest always told me that using a vibrator showed a serious lack of character ‒ and I tend to agree with him . That’s like corking your bat , or taking steroids ‒ sure you get all the glory , but its such a hollow and inglorious glory that you just end up hating yourself . But if you really want to get your wife a vibrator my advice is to get the biggest one you can find ‒ if it runs on a car battery you’re in the right neighborhood . Because the fact is that women love ‘em big . I don’t get but it’s a widely known rumor . Plus that way she’ll be less likely cheat on you with a black dude . Which I personally would encourage , but that’s another topic . You’re welcome Double Edged Sword Hey, Savanna, It's great to have you here on the site. OK… What do women think about bisexual or bi-curious men? gettinghard28, 19 M Hello gettinghard28, Here Savanna does a total flip-flop ‒ it was almost enough to make my vomit in shame . First she says that women are turned off by bisexuals and then she rants about how much she wants to get in on with gay men . Actually now that I think about it she didn’t even answer the question . It was about bi guys not gay guys . Way to miss the point Samson . Plus she says that “we’re all sexual beings” . Not hardly . 95% of the world never things about sex ‒ ever . Now , we all know that nothing turns women on more than seeing her man bent over with some big dude behind them going to town ‒ but does that mean that women are attracted to bisexuals ? No . Why not ? Well men like seeing two women together but that doesn’t mean they want to have sex with them . What Savanna fails to realize is that not everything is about sex ‒ some things are just about appreciation . Man on man sex is mostly a display of teamwork , impressive yes , a turn-on yes , but that doesn’t mean it’s a turn-on . So what do women think of bi-sexual or bi-curious men ? The same thing I think of the New England Patriots ‒ man , that’s some good teamwork . You think that means I want to nail the Patriots ? No . Well yes , but for different reasons . You’re welcome Tantric sex? Hi Savanna, It might sound silly but a friend of mine asked me to try Tantric sex. What does this involve? -- They said it can last for days!!?? Is this true? Thanks, stw212000, 22 F Dear stw212000: Man , does Savanna have a lot to say about this one . Makes you wonder doesn’t it ? Why does a decent , honest , all-American girl like her know so much about this FOREIGN sexual practice ? Hmm ? I’m not saying she’s an enemy combatant , but I’m not saying she’s not either . Even with her verbose response she doesn’t really give any good advice . First she brags about how she was into Tantra way before anyone else ‒ very immature . She talks about baths and oils and robes and junk like it ‒ I assume she’s just trying to avoid giving any real advice . I mean olive oil ? Come on . She says something about holding back the urge to orgasm , that just made me shake my head . That’s like saying “hey , if you’re in a race why not hold back from crossing the finish line ?” I can only assume she went crazy there for a second . Not to mention she throws a little sacrilege in there just for good measure . Anyway , I will pass on answering this question because I’m and American damn it and I only have good old fashioned Americanese sex ‒ I wrap myself in the flag and blast the Star-Spangled Banner while trying to cum as fast as I can . The one thing I will say is why on earth would you want to have sex for a whole day ? That’s just nutty . There isn’t ANYTHING I want to do for 24 hours straight . You’re welcome Anal Desires Hi Savanna, I need your help. My husband wants to try anal sex and I do too. It turns me on to watch it and I love when he fingers my ass, but my baby has a VICIOUS curve and I'm having trouble getting past that painful penetration point (I like to call it the point of impact). I also don't want to make a mess (if you know what I mean). We've tried lubricants but I've heard that things like "Anal Eaze" actually create a<b> numbing </font></b>sensation. Is this true? Do you still get pleasured? And should I use some type of anal cleanser in combination? PHATNLONG2, 34 C Hello PHATNLONG2, This is by far where Samson and I disagree the most . First she says “Stay away from Anal Eaze .” What what what ?!?! I say buy it by the truckload ! Her objection is that its not so fine for the man’s penis . Fuck the penis I say ! Who care about the penis ? I say numb that bastard to the moon ! One of the best things about having sex is when you can’t feel anything at all ‒ if you’re not even sure your partner is there then you’re doing it right . Then she goes on to talk about enemas and bowel movements and other yucky things . I couldn’t even read that part . And then she goes on to say that she “has her best orgasms anally .” What a liar . First off as everyone knows the female orgasm is a myth . And secondly anal sex is not about orgasms , its about establishing your place in a prison hierarchy . My advice about anal sex ? Don’t do it . Its kind of a hate crime if you think about it . I mean think how it makes the gay fellas feel ? When you have anal sex that’s like me putting on a feathered headdress and doing a “rain dance” . Its culturally insensitive . I mean gay guys have it hard enough as it is ‒ why do you have to steal their culture ? But if feel like you have to have anal sex my suggestion is to get wasted first . Tequila and anal sex go together like pilates and rum . You’re welcome Ring around the Roddy Hi, Savanna, Cock rings - are they good for her too? Also, I never tried one, but I wondered if they help keep an erection after orgasm? I'd appreciate anything you know about this. Thanks! clickonus111 Dear clickonus111, Here Savanna says cock rings are great and then yaks on a while . I’d say that cock rings are just okay . I wear one most of the time , but I usually take if off before I have sex . Why ? Because it does indeed help you keep an erection after orgasm ‒ and who wants that ? When it comes to sex your just need to get things over with as fast as you can and get back to tedious busy work . In that sense a cock ring is really your worst enemy ‒ but they are pretty . I have one that flashes my name in Greek ‒ its pretty sweet . But onto the question ‒ are they good for her too ? No , not in the least . Anyone who wears one is selfish and probably a jerk . You’re welcome And that is that . Now that I’ve severely verbally outwitted Savanna Samson I welcome your gushing praise and comments about how great I am . Please post all comments in Haiku format . Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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post before spellcheck funny but quite disappointing who gives advice now Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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