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FIRST DATE IN PUBLIC PLACE - HUMOROUS ADVICE post 1
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FIRST DATE IN PUBLIC PLACE - HUMOROUS ADVICE post 1 Blogs by educatedaccent started October 2006: Humorous blogs: First Date Serious blogs: BLOG FIRST DATE You take a look at menus and decide what's within your budget, whilst pretending that you've chosen the place because you're in love with lettuce leaves or special of the day. You claim you thought the atmosphere was your idea of perfection. You know, the cramped, noisy deli where you queued for ten minutes to get a table and can't hear yourself speak is 'cosy and fun'. Or the overpriced restaurant completely deserted despite the lunchtime special and the size of a gymnasium, is 'so private for an intimate tete a tete'. And the fact that there's not a single other customer means - 'such attentive service'. You could shout into the phone what colour tie you are wearing, just so the waiter knows it's a<b> blind date. </font></b>Then I arrive and stare at the tie of some chap at the door, while you wave frantically from a corner at the back, and I, having removed my glasses to look glamorous, merely stumble about short-sightedly and frown at your tie and muttering, 'Are you - um?' Everybody stares wondering if I'm an amateur meeting apprentice Mafia in B movie. After I've told I've got nothing to do until 5 pm, you get drunk and shout loudly, "Have you met any other chaps through this swinger's site?" I spot the parent of one of the I taught last year, gulp down my espresso. I stand up to go, mumur something, to which you respond loudly, 'Nobody's listening.' By now the entire restaurant is listening. But as my neighbour comes through the door, you shout, "Well, are you going to sleep with me or aren't you?" I say no, loud enough for the neighbour to hear, remember an appointment and disappear. You wonder why I seemed to think you were gorgeous at first and changed my mind and conclude I only came for a free meal because I rushed off. I wonder why you didn't ring again which puzzles me because I thought you were so keen. As you can see if you just act normally and discuss the latest films, you pass the O level, Ordinary level meeeting standard. The standard has gone down this year. In fact whilst you may not get an A star, you can get an A simply by turning up on time, and not talking when you shouldn't. If it's raining, you might politely ask if I need a lift home or anywhere else. But only expect me to trust you, if you trust me enough to show me some means of identity like a business card. And allow me to disappear to the ladies and phone somebody to say, 'I'm just getting in the car of so-and-so. (I should have the numberplate too.) There's no need to demand whether I took so long because I was flossing my teeth and gargling to remove the garlic or phoning somebody. Nowadays you get through the oral simply by making conversation about topics of the day, such as plays, films and travel. You will pass if you avoid obvious failures in grammar and pronunciation. Don't say 'innit', or 'dunno' or even 'yeah, yeah'. Do not keep saying, 'er, um, you know, know what I mean'. If you discuss the news, don't sound like a meeting of depressives anonymous. Try to find some happy ending. If you do find you've spent ten minutes saying transport is a disaster, the government is incompetent, business is run badly, terrorists are taking over, murderers are out of prison and on the run, and people you meet on dating sites are all losers and maniacs, at least recover optimism and goodwill by ending with, 'That's why it's such a refreshing change to meet somebody delightful like you!' Don't do all the talking. Stop every three sentences. Don't do all the listening. Nod and agree and open your mouth ready to speak when there's a pause. You might subtly flatter the examiner. Then, if encouraged with a smile, unsubtly flatter the examiner. But do not make a pass at them at the end of the meal. Certainly not before they have ordered the soup. Nor whilst they are swallowing coffee. They might choke. Pretend to be thrilled to bits with the food and the service. Unless something is wrong enough to be worth changing. If so, fix it. Who's running this date, you, a smart guy with a girlfriend, or some half-witted, foreign, solo waiter? Are you, the paying customer, less confident than an underpaid waiter? Are two of us going to be bamboozled by one of him? Are you a submissive looking for a dominatrix to rescue you, in which case she'll probably boss you about until she turns professional and expects to be paid. Or are you the knight who rescues damsels in distress, the hero who gets the girl? If you are interested, make another date. Don't ask her to ring you. She's read all the American dating advice books which tell her she must always wait for the man to phone her. 'Elizabeth'[   |
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Thank you for the encouragement. So kind of you to take the time to comment. Is there any subject you would like me to write about? 'Elizabeth'[
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Yep, sound dating advice for the priapic cheapskate! Well written.
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