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Cutter
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Cutter My is a cutter/self harmer. Sadly this is not uncommon at all these days but none the less heart breaking. It's an illness like anorexia or addiction. It has become almost the norm in our youth today & also in more than a few adults. It's a very hard thing for anyone to understand & even harder for a parent to deal with. The strange thing is, when you live with a self harmer, even though you may not be able to describe in words the reasons why they do this you do become to understand their reasoning. I believe once you there is some sense of understanding that's when you can actually be of some help to the one that's harming themselves. From a very young age my started to self harm. She was a fail to thrive baby. She used my breasts like a dummy but was in fact starving herself to death. As a she constantly got hold of medicines & took the lot... I had her to the doctors often to get ipecac to make her vomit up the medications she had ingested. It didn't seem to matter what safety measures i took to keep things out of reach she would find a way to get at them. She was incredibly cunning. At the age of eight i noticed self destructive behavior. At eleven i found her hanging by the neck from her four poster bed. The bed was dismantled that night & gotten rid of. I have stopped her eating Rat poison, my dragged her back in time as she launched herself off the roof....There have been many times we have FORTUNATELY intervened in time with her. Over the years she has cut & burned into the once flawless skin of her left arm thigh & even face. She has had treatment for umpteen hideous infections. Ending in some very bad scaring. Her self harming is usually contained to one side of her body, she would emotionally bleed herself. Once she was so disappointed in her self over something she had done (she hit me) she tried to cut her beautiful face off with broken glass. I ended up in hospital with her for hours while they put her face back together....Thankfully those scars are minimal, healing incredibly well & she still has her beautiful face. I have lost count of the times i have had to call the ambulance, police & mental health crisis, for all the good those mental health arse-holes are! Life was very hard at the peek of her self harming & it was around that time her Dad, my Ex Hubby, walked out.... His leaving & in the manner he chose to do so, drugging, drinking, violence only added to the pressure of one already angry self loathing young girl. She had such self hatred it poured out with aggression towards me & her brothers. She lashed out at the ones that loved her the most then feeling remorse & more hatred toward herself she would cut & burn even more. My life became one where stolen moments of sleep were few & far between. After a self harming episode my Nat would be exhausted & she would sleep for hours while i cleaned her up, watched over her & went into damage control with the boys. I was usually to knotted up emotionally to sleep while she was & trying to deal with the boys emotions was massive. I ended up on a constant 24/7 aler. At times she was so aggressive & threatening towards herself & us, neither me or my sons could sleep. This self destructive behavior affected EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF OUR LIVES. My resolve had taken such a battering that i often times was an emotional zombie & my boys missed out on so much of me. Nat would find anything to cut with a broken CD case, she would rub at her skin with a rock, or stick till she opened herself up. She would keep lighters till until<b> red hot </font></b>& sear them into her skin or get my ventolin inhaler & puff it onto her skin until it was numb then cut chunks of flesh away with a knife. It was gruesome & dangerous because of the inevitable infections that would set in. Every thing revolved around Nat, trying to keep her safe & well and, WAY to often, my Ex who would turn up drunk & drugged off hit tits violent or blubbering, cos he was Soooooooo confused, Ha! selfish bastard. This only causing more stress, pain, heartache & drama for us all. I was at the School more often than now putting out fires or talking to teachers & counselors cos Nat would do a runner, or lock herself in a toilet or lash out at a teacher..... No amount of me telling them HOW to deal with her helped....They wouldn't listen Years of counselors, Shrinks banging my head against walls, knocking on every door i could to find Nat the help she needed got me anywhere. Finally she got in the shit big time & ended up in court. Ohhhhh yeah, THEN FINALLY mental health & family services made an appearance. I sat & wrote a three page letter to the Magistrate giving him a full history of what Nat had been through & all my efforts at trying to get her the help she needed & stated she should NEVER have slipped through the cracks or been put in the two hard basket to the point she was not facing him in court. That she was my not a fucking Number, statistic, that i had been fighting to keep her alive from the day she was born & if she ended up dead i would make it my mission that Metal Heath & Family Services would NEVER forget her. The Magistrate was amazing he had heads rolling & finally we got the help we needed & he ordered that these departments also work out between them to foot the bill. Nat ended up going off to a farm for troubled youth for a year & a half where she got a break from us & learned coping skills.... She expressed so much through Art (painting & drawing) also writing. She had the time to miss us & realise how much me & her brothers loved her. She became a good student, helped so many other & found self worth. We visited her every weekend & after a while she would come home & spend weekends with us. I got the breathing space i desperately needed & had time to heal things with me & the boys. Nat has come leaps & bounds since those awful days but every now & then she still cuts at herself. Nat is having a hard time in her relationship with her girl Meg at the moment, it's one head fuck after another right now. Over the past 17 hours she has cried so much it has broken my heart.... I went into Nat this morning & lay on her bed with her cradling her as she sobbed. Rubbing her back & face then down her arm & my gut churned as i felt line after line of cuts & dry blood. My heart sank as my guts dropped. I got cross with her as i hugged her tight. So today my angle will sleep & sleep while i pace the floors & cry at the drop of a hat. No matter how many years you deal with this it NEVER gets easy to see you babies in pain & even worse when that pain is acted out in the form of self harm.  |
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I am so sorry, Shazzi...it must be so hard for you all. I am thinking of you and Nat today. 
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 Thanks Dimps Darlin,we have her in a really good head space again now. I just heaped on the love while remaining firm on not liking what she did to herself. Hopefully it will be a long time before she feels the urge to do this again, would be even better if she NEVER felt the need to bleed again. Kissu  Shazzi
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