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| Blogs > greekphilosopher > Oh no, not again... |
Want to have a good laugh?go on then ,its free
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Want to have a good laugh?go on then ,its free After feeling a bit lonely and horny this xmas,I decided to place an ad,in one of the free message boards,was hoping for a few nice replies.....this was the posting......Hello girls and thanx for reading my ad. I am a tall man.....if you happen to be about 5'.I come in at a towering 5' 7''.Dark olive skin as where I come from they eat loads of dark olive oil,guess it gets in your skin at the end (?).I have been told I am more handsome than John Prescot!.Or even John Major.Or any other ugly John you might know.My palace is somewhere down the south east coast........of Europe,have not got it yet but give or take a few decades I will get there.I am 22 yo ....not counting the summers or winters past.... Now for my hobbies famed for making me the unique man I am.I like staying in,going out ,eating and drinking,cinema,walks,holidays,my friends,smoking,chatting,see I told you I am special...bet you never met anyone with my array of interests.... You will usualy find me in the bookies all day,spending my benefits money,if I am not there look in the pub next door,including the alleyway round the back where the barmaid goes for a fag....I dont do that everyday.Once every couple of weeks to break the monotony I go and get more benefit money.Last year I chose Clacton On sea for my hols,I know I am fussy and classy,dont let that put you off,I can come a bit lower to meet you on your level......For xmas I went somewhere different to my back room.Yes you guessed,my front room was very nice for a break.We even had a tree.It had a name,colombian something or other ! As it was ready we did not decorate it this year,just smoked it !Yummy it was too I tell you.If you are my girlfriend next xmas,happy days for you darling,started collecting petrol vouchers for your present already,a considerate,thoughtfull man indeed ,I know...very clean too,had a bath and wash 3 weeks ago.. I am a real romantic,never fart or burp too loud on a first date.I also give loads of flowers to my girlfriends,especially if we passing the cemetery...on the way back from the boozer.. Sometimes I even work.I fill forms for even more benefits and sometimes I go out at night,in between drinks and dodgy deals, and rob some poor old bastard.I call that my overtime...as we all got to have an extra job for a bit of cash these days............ooh enough of all this serious stuff,now for something funny,in fact I 'll tell you a joke. There was once a single man,slim,5' 7'',short black hair,good cook,listener, bad dancer,43 yo,polite,smoker,loyal,and sincere to himself and his friends, who was hoping to actually meet some real nice new female friends on the internet.......!ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.....hope you liked my joke.... PS:WARNING: Replying to this ad may in future cause you to : Spend a lot of sleepless nights drinking and chatting Damage your single status Increase the laugh lines in your face Become accustomed to taramosalada Lose weight Get wet in the rain Expose you to smoke Meet a new friend Gain weight Be late for work You have been warned ! Thanx again for reading and a happy new year to all. xxx Well you can imagine my exitement opening the first (and single) mail the next day,reading thirtily,....I liked your message,I am good laugh too,I want to meet you some time......and oh horror at the end.....I am a man!!! What the hell was that about?my ad was placed in a section named:guys seeking girls!!!Mad people.anyway enough of this for now here is the jokes ........ Subject: DICTIONARY FOR DECODING DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS: 40-ish................................49. Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone. Athletic...............................No breasts. Average looking....................Moooo. Beautiful..............................Pathological liar. Emotionally Secure................On medication. Feminist................................Fat. Free spirit............................Junkie. Friendship first......................Former slut. New-Age............................Body hair in the wrong places. Old-fashioned.......................No BJs. Open-minded.......................Desperate. Outgoing.............................Loud and Embarrassing. Professional..........................Bitch. Voluptuous..........................Very Fat. Large frame.........................Hugely Fat. Wants Soul mate..................Stalker. WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH: I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you. 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you. 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you. 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you. 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay //////////////////////////////////////////// ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL A major hurricane (Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: -- Fila or Burberry baseball caps -- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) -- Shell suits (female) -- White sport socks -- Rockport boots -- Any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: -- Microwave meals -- Tins of baked beans -- Ice cream -- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9 £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. **Breaking news** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcho-pop 'where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?" ///////////////////////////////////////////////// This is your Mama. I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.... Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mama P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. ///////////////////////////////////////////////hope I made you laugh,more to come soon,might even work out how to play with the colours here haha  |
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