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Another Crass Horoscope, You Kruddy Skanks
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Another Crass Horoscope, You Kruddy Skanks For the love of Jesus, Mary and Joseph on a pogo stick, the crass horoscopes are back! This is what you all have been waiting for. After a month of hiatus while I’ve been traveling, the crass horoscopes are back on again at its rightful time and place. These are all fresh, demented new ideas for you to choke on straight from my clearly deteriorated psyche. As always, comment here to get your own personal crass reading. I may have to resort to recycling old horoscopes for some of you, but you newbies will never know the difference. So comment here while I try to figure out what that fleshy lump is in my Szechwan Pork. Aries March 21-April 20 As events unfold next weekend, you’ll soon wish your girl scout training included learning how to chew through a ball gag. Taurus April 21-May 21 You’d think that with all the posters of naked supermodels you have in your room you’d attract some real naked supermodels, but no, not really. Gemini May 22-June 21 Thanks to events leading up to next week, you, like Adam West, will be forced to sign a contract stating that you will never again wear the Bat Suit. Cancer June 22-July 23 There will be a large assortment of coffee and donuts free for the taking just 20ft. from you sometime soon, but as you and your entire family have learned, nothing that takes twelve steps is worth doing. Leo July 24-August 23 Everything you’ve ever worked hard for will be criticized, belittled, and deemed worthless by some pretentious, mean-spirited British homo, but you’d have to expect that being an American Idol contestant. Virgo August 24-September 23 Well, look on the bright side, as unfortunate events unfold next week at least you’ll learn first hand how sausage is made. Libra September 24-October 23 You’ve always been lucky in finding like-minded people willing to share in your particular fetish; but then again, having shit smeared across your teeth definitely helps. Scorpio October 24-November 22 You’re not too sure what the Chinese woman in that darkened Singapore bar is soliciting, but as it has something to do with “pissy happy pee-pee surprise” you’ll decide to give it a go. Sagittarius November 23-December 21 As you’ve been a long time proponent of turnabout is fair play, you’ll decide to kick the seat of the four year old in front of you through the whole goddamned flight. Capricorn December 22- January 20 What’s that one movie where the guy from The Princess Bride is chained to a pipe in some dilapidated industrial bathroom and has to cut off his own leg with a saw? Well, never mind…it probably has nothing to do with your horoscope anyway. Aquarius January 21- February 19 You’ve heard the saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me”. Unfortunately, it will seem that your neighbor, who has been shouting obscenities at you all week, will suddenly become privy to this proverb sometime next Friday. Pisces February 20-March 20 With your moon rising in Mars this week, the stars declare that the details of your horoscope may be a bit hazy. Its unclear whether this effects you directly or indirectly but there might be something to do with selling a human foot to some Chinese dudes in a van.  |
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8/1/2006 1:25 pm |
HE'S BACK PEOPLE!! I think I'll keep my family and myself away from the 12 step programs and just follow the Saggitarius way of thinking!
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8/1/2006 2:07 pm |
Ball Gags huh?  Gimme my horoscope for April baby! (or is that horrorscope?  )
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As long as it's not the middle leg I have to cut off I'll take it!!! 
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As long as it's not the middle leg I have to cut off I'll take it!!! Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]
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8/1/2006 7:54 pm |
"Aries March 21-April 20 As events unfold next weekend, you’ll soon wish your girl scout training included learning how to chew through a ball gag." Now why would I want to do that? Us Aries invented the Ball Gag!
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8/1/2006 9:42 pm |
I was already feeling a little hazy. Now I know why Atomic, my good man. The part about selling a human foot to some Chinese dudes in a van? Either I'm a foot donor or it could have something to do with my work. Heh!
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Libra one year scorpio the next... the best of both worlds..... talk about the scales weighing and dishing it out... But anyway... my grubby little neighbor.. is such a perv... he calls and says for me to re-open my bedroom drapes back... just wait until he steps up to my window again... all hell will break loose since I had the 20 spotlights installed and the airhorn will wake up the entire neighborhood... not to mention the eye-witness news team being on call ........ However.....Atomic.. if it was you, my door would be left open. But you knew that..... my crass and totally orgasmic horoscope ... please. Aquarius January 21- February 19 tender hugs...m.
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Taurus April 21-May 21 You’d think that with all the posters of naked supermodels you have in your room you’d attract some real naked supermodels, but no, not really. HA!!! Little do you know I took those pictures I have hanging in my room...except for the one of Miss Piggy
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8/1/2006 11:21 pm |
Since most of us do know that Scorpio is one of the most enigmatic signs of the horrorscope...um horoscope, (Libra also if you're born in the early hours of course) I shall have to take my chances with the Chinese woman and you, Dear Atomic.
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8/2/2006 3:44 am |
Interesting to know what you had in store for us lot Atomic. The very idea of having to take twelve steps is definitely not worth doing but to get to coffee and donuts for free sounds so tempting. According to the horoscope I'm afraid some of us will just have to starve to death unless we have the will to live. Luckily I can take it in stride...it's so good to have long legs.
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*perk* DONUTS????? Hey, if I take long enough strides, I can do it in just seven steps!
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8/2/2006 9:23 pm |
Well that sucked! No fair, cause you know me to well!
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8/3/2006 12:45 am |
LOL, Nah I'm a Fucker not a Fighter! Really, true story!
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8/3/2006 11:39 am |
AtomicArtist replies on 8/3/2006 3:14 am: man, there is an aweful lot of you scorpios out there! Ok, you took your chances, now here goes. personal reading for Nina_Dee Scorpio October 24-November 22 This is not a good week for romance in the workplace, however you’ll find out soon enough that this will be an excellent week for sodomy in the break room. As long as there is lots of lube involved. I won't mind in the least!
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8/5/2006 11:27 am |
give me the cancer horoscope I have been waiting for baby..
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Goddess loves the stars Just a little food for thought............. If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you... {=}
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_____When I told you that I had been in The Girl Scouts, you said you would keep it in confidence. Oh, what the hell...Queenbitch69 blogged about the "upcoming" threesome between herself, mrrdking, and myself. I guess we're all just one big happily "twisted" family. (Best Brownies I ever ate. Sweeter young.) /// Now I'm in trouble.
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_____Oh, that hurt. That really hurt. Cut me to the quick. Ouch!
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