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funny story
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funny story Squirrel’s Death Deemed Murder After careful investigation, local authorities have concluded that the death of the squirrel on March 12,2007 was not a suicide as originally reported. The local animal control investigations unit reported today that upon further investigation of the incident they now have evidence that the squirrel, a one Sammy Q Squirrel, was in fact murdered. animal authorities questioned the decease’s family, with the help of one Dr Doolittle AMD, and discovered that Sammy had been in fact in with a bad crowd. His troubled childhood was the start of his lifetime of crime from pick pocketing to a nut bank robbery last December. It was these dealings with the seedy underbelly of the illegal nut trade that are thought to be the cause of Sammy’s death. It turns out that Sammy was the runner for an illegal nut ring and had been scamming not only his customers but from his boss as well. Sammy, it seemed, was passing off plain Walnuts as gourmet Pecans and was trying to sell peach pits as Almonds and pocketing the profit. Sammy had been arrested in December 2006 for a heist at a local nut roasting and packaging plant and had been working undercover in a deal with the local animal authorities to catch the local mob boss and his hench-animals in the act. Sammy’s cover was blown however when a one Mutt Opossum got into Sammy’s stash and got his paws on a “ bad” nut. Running to the boss, head of the local mob raccoon families Don Kapone, sealed Sammy’s fate. As far as the family can recall, Sammy had been asked to a late afternoon meeting with Mutt and Jeff , his brother and fellow muscle for the mob boss, and it was then that he was roughed up and thrown into the power converter, thus blacking out the city. It was discovered by CSI units attached to the local animal authorities, in cooperation with Pacific Power, that several important clues had been discovered at the scene leading to the arrests the Opossum brothers, Mortimer “Mutt” and Jeffery Opossum and local Mob Boss Don Kapone Raccoon. The head of the ACSI reported that bits of fur and DNA discovered at the scene and on the charred remains of the body lead to the arrests. Autopsy reports, released yesterday, confirmed that Sammy was dead before he hit the transformer from multiple contusions and a sub dermal hematoma. And the coroner reported that bite marks on Sammy’s left paw matched an imprint of Jeff’s teeth and that saliva on his tail matched Mutt Opossum. Further investigation and interrogation of the suspects led Authorities to arrest Don Raccoon for having ordered the murder. The trials of the three animals will be closed to the public and jury selection could begin as early as July. If convicted the Opossum’s could face life a maximum security animal preserve and Don Kapone could get the death penalty. Sammy’s remains were released to the family who buried him in a privet ceremony. Donations to the family can be made at your local wildlife preserve in Sammy’s name. |
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Ha, ha! This is great! How has this been up here since 2007 and it doesn't have any comments at all - not a single one?! Anyway, I got a kick out of it. Thanks for posting - made me smile and lit up my afternoon!
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