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Wax from Hell
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Wax from Hell This is my all time favorite "story"- Some of you may have seen it before... I hope you get a kick out of it as I have - EVERY time I read it. SORRY IT IS SO LONG - It's totally worth the read!! Should I wax or not.....??? The first thing you should know is that hair removal is not my friend. The particular talent of removing unwanted hair has eluded me. All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal. The Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, Nair, the EpilStop, and now .... The Wax. My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work, fixed dinner for myself and watched TV for a while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple of hours: "Maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. At least you'd think so. So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together, with wax in-between them. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm guessing). I go one better. I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB up to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.) I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair, with smooth skin extraordinary! With my next wax strip, I move north. I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my labia, stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind! Blind from the pain! Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums? OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over<b> body hair. </font></b>I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist. But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could the wax go, if not on the strip? Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout Nooooo!!" And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of The Tar Baby. I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet. I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the "cell door." Vagina? ... Sealed shut. Ass? ...... Sealed shut. A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to poo anytime soon. Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong. I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit. Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub. I call my friend because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and woohoo are stuck to the tub." She doesn't have a trick. But she does do her best to suppress her laughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass, and asks, "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now. I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. You know that if we were working the help line at XXX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off! In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from my friend and we hang up. I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still there. So I just shaved it all off instead. I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a mustache might start to come in. Tonight, I attempt hair dying, and all my friends can't wait ...  |
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 That was fabulous.
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9/13/2009 6:21 pm |
i have to say that is pretty funny and if i ever meet up with you no need to shave anything in that department, ill still go down on you
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it was painful to read it, I know I do not want u to wax me he he he glad it worked out in the end
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As a man with hair I don't want, I can feel the pain. That was a wonderful well written story. I can tell you waxing is something I will NOT ever try!!!! 
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Hello, 911, What's your emergency? I was waxing my bikini line & now I'm stuck to the bottom of my bathtub. OK, we'll send someone right over. 5 minutes later, 25 firemen & 5 policemen are crammed into your bathroom, all with picture phones snapping photos & laughing....
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3/4/2010 7:46 am |
Holy shit I felt the pain just reading that!!!
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I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! it is funny, but also rings true for me- I have had similar experiences.....guys have no idea what us women have to endure....... I gotta pimp this, it's too funny not to share! Thanks! what the world needs now..........    
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The only thing I wax is my eyebrows. ( is, are???) "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." 
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What a great story......to bad you didn't get a video of it. Love your sense of humor during your time of distress and hardship. Poor little woohoo being treated like that, sorry but it is so funny.
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LOL, I have read this story and have had a bit of a similar experience. Pain, only half of the hair removed and a bruise where each follicle came out. I looked like I had some blood disorder! I was just happy I tried it out awhile before we were planning our trip to Desire. Next stop was the pro waxer....OUCH! I told hubby next time his ass would be driving me because it would be a 3 rum and diet coke event! Then I got myself an epilady, got accustomed to using it on my legs then decided why not? Holy hell, the Epilady DOES BITE! Broken skin and was afraid I may have damaged my very exposed....so called inner labia....yep I have an outie and damn near circumcised it. Then on to laser....hurts, but I like the result even though it looks like I will be back to see them for longer than planned  Mrs Sin
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9/10/2010 11:36 am |
You really need to put a warning on there to not read where you might get caught laughing out loud. I almost peed myself a few times reading this. I had to stop reading to get my composure. I have tried the Epilady and just about died. NEVER use that. Oh my God they make the commercial look like it is so easy. LIARS!!!!
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10/29/2010 12:00 pm |
Hilarious!
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11/18/2010 3:06 pm |
Wow, what a story! For the record, I'm a man who had to shave my legs for years (athletics). As far as I'm concerned, any woman with me who chooses to not shave is fine with me! I don't care where she has hair, I want nothing to do with any form of torture, especially just to "look good." I remember a friend who chose to not shave her armpits. The world did NOT come to an end!
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1/6/2011 11:55 am |
Wow, made my eyes water just thinking about you going through that...
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1 post 4/12/2011 8:17 pm |
now that was funny!! poor baby at least you got it off
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that is one of the funniest stories ever.lmfao.i'm a big kind of burley guy and i'm glad no one saw me after reading your story because i had tears running down my face i was laughing so damn hard.great great story thank you for sharing it.
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5/24/2011 2:10 am |
love your forthrightness, and writing style. You sound like an interesting and knowledgeable Lil Girl. Look me up on the river this summer. I will have the big red pyramid affixed to my tube.
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Wow...and I thought I had some mishaps in the home waxing department. Great story and thank you for sharing...
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I'm glad you cared enough to share, brightened my night to be able to laugh with you.
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I know it hurt like hell and you also paniced when the wax stayed with the hair instead of the hair sticking with the wax and strip but your story was so funny I had to respond. I had hernia surgery a few years ago and they shaved one side of my pubic hair. As the area healed I wanted to even things out but the itching that the stubble caused made me think of waxing instead. I tried it. It hurt like hell and only about 1/4 of the hair came out. There was blood too. Probably more than there was from the surgery. The next couple of days had little bumps raising up on my skin. I decided that I will trim my pubes but never shave or wax again.
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1 post 4/22/2012 9:18 pm |
Gives the saying "bit of a sticky wicket" whole new meaning. LOL Mr. Miyagi(Karate Kid) say's "Wax on...Wax off!" he he he
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That's the funniest story I have ever seen on Adult Dating zone...sounds like an old Lucille Ball show predicament! Hmmmm, if "I Love Lucy" had been on cable you could have been a star! You write well, are sexy hot, but are going nowhere near Mr. Happy until I check for wax!
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My suggestion, find a guy to help trim you. It's very erotic. For the longer hair, I use a battery powered electric shaver. For the shorter hairs and to keep it trimmed, I use a straight edge hand held razor, the old type you see on tv shows being used by a barber. Some barbers still use these to shave the man's neck and behind the ears. You get a very close shave with these. Great to use the night or two before a swap if that is what you are into. I use hand soap as I find that to be soften the skin better and work better than shaving cream. I sometimes mix Edge with hand soap.
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11/5/2012 11:38 am |
wow sometimes I think its good to be a guy, but I do comend you on your efforts in hair removal maybe let a friend do it for you... 
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1 post 12/17/2012 4:36 pm |
great story
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