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The Quickfire Round !!
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The Quickfire Round !! Went to the doctors today. He told me I was paranoid. Well, he didn't actually say that, but that's what he was thinking !! **************************************************************** Mr. Smith phones the surgery for his wife's test results. Receptionist says: " Sorry, we have 2 sets of results for Mrs Smith as they have gotten mixed up. 1 has Altzheimers and the other has Aids" "Oh dear, what should I do ?" says the husband Receptionist says: "Drop her off in town, If she finds her way back then DON'T SHAG HER" **************************************************************** Had do-gooders at the door asking me to send clothes to the starving Africans. Are they taking the piss ? If an African can fit into my clothes then he aint starving !! **************************************************************** Two men are playing golf. As one is about to chip onto the green, he sees a funeral pass the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his hat and draws the shape of a cross across his chest. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful, touching thing I have ever seen." He replies: "Well, we were married for 35 years." **************************************************************** Mick tells Steve: "My wife just gave birth to twins" Steve says: "Great, who do they look like ?" Mick says: "Each other you fucking moron" **************************************************************** What do you call a woman with no legs running through a strawberry field ? A jammy cunt !! **************************************************************** A husband and wife are sitting in a pub. The wife keeps staring over at the drunken man cradling his pint as he sits alone in the corner. Husband says: "Do you know that man ?" Wife says: "Yes. He's my old lover. I'm told he hit the bottle straight after we split up 10 years ago and that he hasn't been sober since." "Crikey", says the husband. "Who'd have thought a fellow could go on celebrating for that long !!" **************************************************************** Mad Mary was whizzing around the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped by Crazy Carl. "License please", said Crazy Carl. She handed him a beermat which he observed. "All is in order, please continue" said Crazy Carl. Mad Mary sped off around the corner and bumped into Loony Leon. "Insurance please" said Loony Leon. Mad Mary passed him an empty cigarette box, he inspected it and said: "All is in order, Proceed." Mad Mary again sped off until she was stopped by Donkey Dave, naked and with an eight-inch hard-on. "Oh No", cried Crazy Mary. "Not the breathalyser again !!" **************************************************************** I got mugged earlier. Four big cunts beat the shit out of me. I managed to knock one out. Maybe not the best time for a wank, but I feared it may be my last. **************************************************************** A couple run out of money and decide that the wife should go on the game. Husband says: " You stand on the pavement and I'll wait around the corner" A car stops and the wife gets in. "How much ?" says the bloke. "�100" says the wife. Bloke says: " I only have �20". "Hold on" says the wife and she runs around the corner to her husband. She tells her husband: "He only has �20". Husband says: "Give him a hand-job". She gets back into the car and tells the bloke. He agrees, lays back and pulls out the biggest cock she has ever seen in her life. She says: "Hold on", and rushes back to the husband and says: "Can you lend him �80 ?" **************************************************************** Mick asks Steve why scuba divers always fall backwards off a boat. "You thick twat", says Steve. "If they fell forward they'd still be on the boat !!" **************************************************************** Paula and Bob decide to try a 69'er. Bob didn't know what it was so Paula decided to show him. She tells Bob to lie on the floor and she sits on top. She's about to start when she farts. "Ooops, sorry !!", she says and tries again. When she farts a second time, Bob jumps up and storms off. "Where you going ?" Paula says. Bob replies: "I'll be fucked if I am going to hang around for another 67 of those" **************************************************************** Two Irishmen are working in a field. Paddy is digging holes and Mick is following behind filling in the holes. After nine holes, a woman asks: "Why are you digging holes and the other lad just filling them in ?" Paddy replies: "There are normally three of us, but the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick today." **************************************************************** Taffy, Jock and Paddy are chatting. Paddy says: "Women are so thick. My wife just bought a car and she can't even drive." Jock says: "That's nothing. My wife is on a diet and she aint even fat." Taffy says: "That's fuck all. My wife's taken 30 condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock !!" **************************************************************** Mick and his family have been found frozen to death outside a Dublin cinema. They had been queueing for three weeks waiting to see "Closed For The Winter" **************************************************************** A nurse walks past the room of a patient in a mental institution and sees him sat on the end of his bed, arms outstretched and moving up and down. "What are you doing Frank ?" says the nurse. "Driving to York", replies Frank. "OK. Have a nice trip", says the Nurse. The next day, Frank is still driving to York. "How's it going Frank ?", asks the Nurse. "Only three miles to go now", replies Frank. She walks down the hall and looks in on another patient. The man is naked and doing press-ups on his bed with a hard-on. "Henry, what are you doing ?", asks the Nurse. He turns to her and says: "Shagging Frank's wife while he is in York" **************************************************************** Ann & Ted were out walking. Anne said: "I need a pee", and disappeared behind the bushes. Ted hears her knickers come down and is feeling a little horny. He pushes his hand through the bushes and between her legs. He feels something hanging. "Ann, have you changed your sex ?", he yells. Ann replies: "No. I changed my mind. I'm having a shit" **************************************************************** A little boy comes home from school and asks: "Mum, what is a tranvestite ?" Mother replies: "I'm over here . That's your father" **************************************************************** A shop has three parrots for sale. One is �500, another �250 and the third is �15. A woman asks: "Why is that parrot so cheap ?" Shopkeeper replies: "It used to live in a brothel and so it's language is a little fruity" The woman finds this amusing and so agrees to buy the parrot. When she gets home, the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel". The woman laughs. Her teenage daughters arrive home and she warns them of the fruity language of the parrot. The girls rush in to see the parrot. "Fuck me. New prossies", says the parrot. The girls laugh. An hour later, the husband arrives home. As he walks in, the parrot says: "Fuck me Keith. I haven't seen you for weeks* ***************************************************************** A man walks into a chippy and says: "Fish and chips twice". The guy behind the counter says: "I heard you the first time" ***************************************************************** Mick and Steve are having flying lessons. Mick says to Steve: "If the plane went upside down, would we fall out ?" Steve says: "Shut-up you twat. We've been friends for 30 years" |
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laughing so hard you should do stand up 
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