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Hopefully the last ...
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Hopefully the last ... Hopefully this will be my last post about this. If you don't want to read about Kittie stop now come back another day. As the title says hopefully this will be the last post I do about this. But I got a very candid email from her Wednesday evening. I wont go into lots of detail. But it was not a fun email to read. I apparently make it impossible to be my friend. It ended with her saying I needed to give her some space. Apparently I've been screwing things up for a while now. While she didn't say it out right. The tone of the message came off as though I have messed things up so bad that I have even lost Kittie as a potential friend. I guess I'm not only upsetting her but other people as well. Although she said I was constantly asking other people about her. That is an exaggeration. I did ask some questions about ME and MY actions. So that I could learn what not to do next time. I don't know how to be in a relationship. I need to learn some how right. Best way I know is to ask questions. I also found out that many of her friends and other partners were telling her that it wouldn't work between her and I since we were together. Which explains the sudden turn around I guess. I wish she would have said something earlier so that it didn't get to this point. I know many people wont believe this but I had honestly hoped her and I could be friends. But I have never had to deal with a break up like this before. I didn't/don't know how. So I went looking for advice. Did I probably over share now and then? I'm sure I did. I'm human I make mistakes like anyone else. I'm dealing with something that is totally new to me (Going on one or two dates then being dumped is not the same as having a short relationship with someone then having them break up with you). What was I supposed to do? Bottle it up inside? Let it eat my from the inside out? I admit it has taken longer for me to get over her then it probably should have. I put a lot of thought into why that was. A few things came to mind. I don't have a full time job to dive into. I don't have lot's of close friends to talk to. I'm big into keeping my word. I made her promises that I now can't make good on. Including the restraint chain. But the biggest one being that I have never been through this before and am not sure how to navigate through. I have talked with a couple of you over the phone. Some have even given their own theories as to why I'm having trouble moving on. I don't have permission to name you or your theories so I wont. I will just say that you may in part be right. But there is more to it then that. The ones that goes out to know who they are. (I don't mean for that to come off cold, so I hope it didn't). I should be glad that I got some type of closure. And in a day or three I probably will be. But my head and my heart are two different monsters. I can know something in my head. Like things being over with Kittie and I. However that doesn't mean my heart is so quick to get with that program. And that is a topic for a whole different blog post. I did email her back (yeah I know it was a gut reaction, I know I shouldn't have emailed her back so soon if at all). The email was likely longer then it should have been. I didn't bad mouth her or anyone else. I apologized for any grief I might have caused her. And stated that I wished that things had not gotten to this point between us. All I know is this casts a lot of questions on my weekend. Friday I'm probably going to be going to a "massage mixer". It is something for people that like to give and receive massages. Saturday was supposed to be a bowling night put on by the group that Kittie moderates. From the looks if it, it is something that she set up. Given the recent events I'm thinking that is now off the table for the night (thank you to my phone friends for confirming that is probably for the best). Then Sunday is the rough body play (kinky wrestling) restart. Kittie will be there. I have no intention of missing that. I know I may not get to participate. But there is always a chance right. If you are one that humored me and read all that. I want to sincerely thank you. If you are one of the two that I talked with on the phone tonight/last night, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart as you both listened to me prattle on for over an hour each(one was close to two and a half hours I think) and through several car alarms.  I have no question or witty conversation piece tonight. If you feel the desire to comment I open up the floor for you to do so. I'm always up for advice. But what I really need right now is a good friend that is close enough to give me a big long hug. A good<b> shagging </font></b>would be nice too. But I don't want to get to far ahead of myself. Ok I'm done I need to try and sleep tonight. It's 3 am and I want to be up between 7 and 9. |
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6/28/2012 5:44 am |
Trying to strangle the life out of what remains is pointless and eventually you will lose her as a friend as well. Yes, I did this. I tried so hard to keep someone as a friend who didn't even want to be in my life. Guess what? He is not in my life and regrets me. Sucks to feel that I hurt someone trying to keep him around. So, you move on and you will. There is no time frame when it comes to your heart. It will heal when you are ready~ 
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Under most circumstances Division's advice would be good. However, you are dealing with unusual circumstances for your first big break up that is making this more difficult. Since you are both part of a small community that you both want to stay active in it is inevitable that you will continue to run into one another & that you will have shared friends. This would be tricky even for a seasoned break-up artist. I will say again that through this process I've come to like Kittie very much & think she has been very admirable through the break up. She at no time has attempted to cut you off from the community or ostracize you. These are probably some of the reasons that it's harder for you to let go & move on, too, because she is pretty terrific. But I'm glad she has finally given you very definitive boundaries. Now you just have to honor them. Hang in there, Sugar. You will get through this! Love & hugs from Texas...  
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