Ten More Fun Sex Mishaps!
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Posted:Mar 23, 2018 5:19 pm
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 8:40 pm
1820 Views
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I belong to a group online, and this weekend we posted a lot of funny stories in our sexual history. Thought ya'll might enjoy them.
Note: The vast majority are NOT mine.
I. I had a guy with a massive dick cum the biggest load I have ever had in my mouth. I swallowed and then 2 seconds later I puked on his bed ??
Sex: Same guy fucked me in the ass that day and I had the shits for days.
Sex 2: My ex's stepdad walked in on us having sex and my ex threw me off and covered himself with the blanket...leaving me exposed for stepdad to gawk at ??
II. Girl nearly broke my nose coming so hard while on top that she pitched forward and slammed her shoulder into my face
III. I threw up on a guys feet after I warned him not to cum in my mouth
IV. Was using a Magic Wand (the older model with a cord) with a partner and, in the midst of action with lots of lube and squirting, I apparently made a connection between a frayed portion of the cord and ground. Needless to say, it was a very shocking experience, and I don't remember a few seconds of my life.
V. My first time having sex with my ex-wife was in the dorm room I shared with a guy, also known at the time as her current boyfriend. He was in the room, too. He was completely oblivious, caught up in ing Metal Gear Solid instead of going to class. In my defense, he was an abusive asshole, so I don't feel bad for any of it.
VI: time, my partner was going down on me, and our cat decided to climb the blinds, leap up on the hanging plant near the bed, and come down straight on my crotch because it apparently thought all that movement meant there was prey there. Claws in genitals unexpectedly are not fun in the least.
VII: The first time I tried to 6 I was 16. We snuck to an abandd warehouse a couple streets away to have fun, as I have conservative parents who wouldn't let me have fun at home. Well as we're young and dumb we try as much as we can. As we got into the 6 position with her on top she giggles that I'm tickling her ass lol weeeelll next thing I know I hear this noise. I look down at my shoulder and see a steady flow of piss. I remember saying, "okay, get up get up!" As I pushed her ass off my face. That killed the mood lol she apologized and laughed as we walked back to my house. Told my parent I fell in a puddle ...
VIII: Losing my virginity with a guy who was also a virgin, and had a really big dick. We couldn't quite figure out the logistics, and neither of us had thought to bring lube  I had some cranberry lotion on my table, so he grabbed that and slathered up. Kinda burned lol, and it hurt like a mother, that was a big penis to start with
IX: Tried to fuck this chick who was a virgin, couldn't get it in so went down on her instead, she ended up squirting in my face(it's piss). Then when it finished I left the hotel room and my mate who had left her mate he was shagging asked why I had blood on my face. Turns out I had managed to tear the hymen after all..
X: It wasn't really a horror story for ME but it makes me laugh every time I think about it. I was banging of my first like real gfs and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed this wooden spoon on her desk that she had painted and sanded for some art class. Idk. Anyways, I see this spoon so I get an idea. I grabbed the spoon, pulled out real quick, yelled "THERE CAN BE ONLY " and then jabbed her right in the bajingo with the wooden spoon. She did not laugh as hard as I did. She did not laugh at all.
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Mistakes and Bloopers in Sex! Part 1
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Posted:Mar 5, 2018 7:40 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 8:40 pm
1604 Views
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I belong to a group online, and this weekend we posted a lot of funny stories in our sexual history. Thought ya'll might enjoy them.
Note: The vast majority are NOT mine.
I. My foreskin once got caught between my ex's front teeth when she was going down on me. I called her the "Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker" after that.
II. I was going at my girlfriend at the time full force on a dryer. I slipped out and slammed that dryer with all I had. I cried like a little ...
III. Fucking my girlfriend in a room with a wood stove. She was cumming hard and wanted me to stop. I didn't stop. She planted her feet on my chest and launched me off the bed and across the room. I crashed back-first into the wood stove. It fell off the pedestal, hit the floor with a loud BOOM. The pipe feel from the ceiling cutting my leg and dumping about 2 pounds of soot on me. (luckily it was summer or I'd have gotten really fucked up) For the next five minutes, we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe.
We were both in the bathroom trying to clean me up and patch my wounds when the cops showed up. The neighbors called them because of the noise. When they saw I was covered in ash and blood, they insisted on coming inside because they thought it was a domestic violence thing. Took about 15 minutes to make them understand what had happened.
And I never got to cum that night.
IV. During my first (and so far only) foursome, we took a break to get all showered up before round two. Commence one of the partners missing the bath rug on the way out, slipping, and slamming her big toe into a runner at the base of the wall. A broken toe is apparently a good way to end any sexual encounter immediately.
V. I was giving my ex head, next thing I know I'm absolutely drenched in what I thought was, yknow, fluids. Turn the lights on and my face was covered in blood. She was pretty embarrassed but I was like nah its cool, shit happens. Went to the bathroom to wash it off and it turns out I'd actually just gotten a mad nosebleed mid-oral and it was actually my blood all over her vagina and my face
VI. Oral was the time he was fucking my face, missed, and I got his dick in my eye. Had ferocious pink eye for the next 2 weeks.
VII. Backseat of my car was told by the girl that she had finished her period turns out it wasn't quite over. After some fun in the dark turn on the light to find my backseat looking like a murder scene with bloody hand prints everywhere
VIII. I put a little too much body weight on a sink during, and it broke off the wall. Water was spraying everywhere and I hit my head. Still came.
IX. A girl I was hooking up with asked if I wanted to try anal with her. It all went well until she shit all over me and my dick and we were at a national forest so I had to just get into a creek.
X. One time I was giving a guy from Grindr head , i gave him head for HOURS! He didn’t want a full on bj he just wanted me to suck on the tip , here i am my jaw in pain , sweating like a in church and this motherfucker isnt even close to cumming , cut to a few minutes later HIS FUCKING WIFE CALLS! She was yelling at him asking where he was so he got up and left , leaving me there exhausted and still horny as fuck cuz basically nothing happened ??
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What I am after
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Posted:Dec 18, 2017 9:38 am
Last Updated:Mar 23, 2018 5:51 am
1438 Views
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To be honest.
I have a massive sex drive (and Irish- so yeah)
The wife does not have any sex drive at all, and even less after a couple of .
I do love the wife, and I am not looking to leave her for any reason, but to be frank, she's told me if I need to look elsewhere to satisfy my desires, I can.
So yeah, I'm looking. To behonest at this point I am looking at people, pictures and sitting on IM, but not have taken the plunge as of yet. Since she is not interested, the swapping is not really an option.
So if you think you might be looking for some conversation and possibly some future hands-on experience, let me know. I don't mind just chatting, and I am a bit twisted.
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Under 300!
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Posted:Jan 4, 2016 8:32 am
Last Updated:Jan 5, 2016 4:49 am
7012 Views
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Welcome to Brain Droppings. I figured I’d kick the year off with a return to my column- on my normal website, but figured i'd post here as well.
2015 was a painful year, maybe a little writing and venting will help a bit.Or at least make 2016 not suck so hard.
Last night I weighed myself.
I’m under 300 pounds.
I cannot tell you the last time I have been under 300.
I don’t think its been this year.
I have been bouncing between 305 and 315 since the summer. I feel kind of bad that I have not used the treadmill I bought as often as I’d like, but it tends to hurt my feet after a bit.
Let me side track for a second. Why is that. Yes, I’m fat. Yes I WAS over 300 pounds, but that should make my knees or legs hurt. I have tried everything, wearing different shoes, wearing thicker socks, wearing no socks, even going barefoot. My knees are shot, due to my time in the Army, but its not my knees that are the problem.
So what have I done?lose-weight-756680
Not as much as you would think. I’m old, and I’m lazy, and I’m not about to try and do something like run 5 miles everyday. Or never eat pork again.
So what did I do?
1) I work in a cubicle. I work second shift, so when I get home, I go to bed. So step 1 was to not eat anything a minimum of 2 hours before I went to bed. Add in drive time, and it’s more like 2.5 hours. Considering my Job normally has me going to lunch 3 hours after I get there, I do normally want a snack, but I just started eating that snack on my second break or just skipping it. This does lead to me being a bit hungry, or a LOT hungry when I wake up, but that leads me to point 2.
2) Eating Breakfast.
I used to skip breakfast. Other than the weekends when I cooked, I still would eat several hours after I woke up. Now I eat a bowl of cereal, and drink the milk. I go in waves, I’ll desire Raisin Bran (cause I’m old) then go to Capt CrunchBrerries or Lucky Charms or something else for a bit. My #4 loves bananas so when they are cheap I throw those in as well. She hasn’t masted the smush the Bananas into the cereal yet.
3) Water.water
I HATE the taste of water. Always have. I can taste the difference between Disani and Family Dollar water or Spring Water and Distilled Water. I have a gallon jug of Spring Water sitting next to me as we speak, and I’d rather drink warm Gatorade than take a swig of that stuff. But after I finish my last cup of Dew, I’m drinking water.
And don’t give me that diet drink stuff either.
4) Salt.
Take a look at the meals you get for lunch. Look at the salt intake, one meal I found at Wal-Mart I was thinking of getting for lunch one day had 99% of the recommended allowance. Holy Shit. Thats in ONE meal- and it was TWO SERVINGS- So eating that for lunch is a dash away from 2 days of Salt. So I’m skipping that stuff. Its had to have taste without salt, so I’m skipping the frozen foods where I can. I’d almost take a fried chicken leg over a frozen one at this point.
Other than that, nothing. I’m going to have a hard time doing anything extra, and I do take the stairs when I can, but I’m not parking a mile away from the store or getting jogging pants.
So thanks for reading, I’ll be back next week talking about how I cracked 325 going the other way.
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Lets talk a little about oral sex, shall we?
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Posted:Dec 8, 2015 9:08 am
Last Updated:Dec 13, 2017 5:44 am
8238 Views
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I love Oral sex, giving a receiving. To be honest, I like giving more- the feeling of having someone buck and shake and scream and wiggle and not able to move in fear of moving you off the target, and lets not forget sometimes the sticky sweetness of ladycome. Not to mention I like the feeling I can let off the gas at anytime and make her jump even more when I do give her that release.
Finally, It does give me options to do other things, Like slam my face into her cunt, finger her pussy or her ass, or even both if I'm nimble enough. Fun for all. When I'm getting oral, I enjoy it, but sometimes the lady isn't exactly pro-active or even into it, and after I come, I've got to reload before I can go again, and when a lady comes, it doesn't take her nearly as long to go again.
The wife tells me years ago that she doesn't like oral sex, so I stop doing it. If she doesn't like it, and she is excellent at giving it, so i quit. During one of our discussions, she discloses that she thinks I'm not good at it, so she lied.
So I'm with the wife last weekend, and I'll be honest, its been a while, and she's. . . .a bit larger than she used to be, but I do all the normal things that I remember, I'm getting old, so the memory is a little dim. Thankfully, I remember that comfort on my end is the most important thing, so I'm in a good position.
My issues are I can't breathe, and she's quit moving. I can't remember having such trouble having to come up for air so often, so I throw an older pillow under her ass, so know I can come up for air a little less often, and getting to the point where I can do it as I'm changing depth or swapping between lips. So I'm . . .getting there.
Again, she's not moving. She's not giving good or bad feedback. So I bite a little, I suck a little I pull a little. That gets a reaction, but not as much as I'd like, and none of it good. ( I did know a girl you almost had to suck her button into your mouth and bite on it to do any good, but she also jumped 4 feet off the bed when she came too, so it was like biting a Roman Candle. )
So I swap around, I can't get around where I can finger her either way in this position, cause we are a bit large and I'm having trouble keeping my breath as it is, so I get on her side and go back, but this time with fingers, She's got a sore spot on her hood, and my chin keeps hitting it, so she ends our time together. She later tells me that she wasn't enjoying it anyway, and only one man has ever gave her oral where she enjoyed it.
So as the great man said.
Challenge accepted.
As I said. I'm good at oral. I mean really good- and yes ladies, I think If I make you come, I'm doing it well. And don't give me that- we fake it mess, when you spray, unless it taste like piss and you figured out to make it come out of the other hole, I did it.
Except for one woman, who just couldn't come unless it was via vibrator that was plugged into a wall- seriously, a regular handheld didn't do it, had to be on the home circuit, she couldn't come, and I had used to spend a good 30 minutes on her, and could get her good and wet, and get her bucking, but never over the top.
I did have issues with my ex, when we first started, but she was one of those "no one ever has" people, so it took a time to get the right spot- but once that happened, no problem, and she still has the best tasting pussy I have ever had the pleasure of getting into. It did get painful when she came, so the only way to get multiples out of her was to throw her legs off my shoulder and fuck her once she came, and that would get her multiples, so of course I had to get my oral out o f the way first, if I was going to get any,.
Now one of the fun ones I had is one lady I was going down on, and even though I was still in a suit and tie, I was making this woman move and shake, but after a good 45 minutes she wasn't. So I started fingering her, that got her moving, but not much else, so I shoved my finger in her ass- that made her jump, so even though the smell wasn't great, but I made that skinny girl fly around the room like a balloon that had a hole punched in it. Sad to say, I could only get my pinky in there, and even though I have large fingers, I don't think I could ever get anything bigger in there. - Sad to Say. Even worse, this was our only time together, so i could not explore this more, but man I still remember that.
To be honest, this was the second woman I ever shoved a part of my body into- but not the last (and still have never had anal sex with a fully hard dick, but that's another story. )
Stay Tuned as I try to get back in the folds of things. I have IM open if you want to reach me, since Adult Dating zone won't let me read email for some reason.
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Dick Pics
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Posted:Nov 13, 2015 8:05 am
Last Updated:Dec 8, 2015 9:08 am
8172 Views
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I have a general question for the people on here.
Why do all the guys put pictures of their penises?
This can't be what the ladies want to see is it? I mean I am not a gay or even bi-curious man, but the male form is not attractive to me, the female form in all it's shapes, sizes and colors is amazing to the touch and fascinating to look at. Tho see a woman shiver from head to toe is a wondrous sight. A man? Be he a sculpted or a flabby body style. I can't see it.
I asked my lady if she is interested in seeing it, as I sent her a dick Pic after she sent me a picture of her boobs. She really had no reaction. She also finds the female form beutiful, but not so much the male form.
So my question to you ladies. Do you really want to see dick pics? My profile pic is my eye. A feature I feel is more more interesting. I guess If I got a hard on and took a picture of myself next to a coke can, I guess that would mean something.
Maybe I'll photoshop a picture of me next to a 2-liter.
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Day 1
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Posted:Nov 10, 2015 11:09 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 8:40 pm
8203 Views
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So why am I here? Easy enough to answer.
I need to vent. I have frustrations in life and I really don't have anyplace to vent them. I've lived in Shreveport since 1997 but considering how backwater this place is, I have no close friends and pretty much very few people I can talk with at all. The work friends I do make tend to vanish when you change jobs. Shreveport seems to be the type of place where if you didn't grow up with someone, you don't know them.
I do own a website, but considering its a movie/sports site, not exactly the place I can put things there. I also am a member at fetlife, as is my wife, so that lets that out.
So I'm coming here. I'm going to vent about love and sex and other adult matters. If you want to comment, that's fine, if you want to message me, that's fine. Writing is a muscle, and I'm sorely in need of exercise there.
Fyi. I'm 43, with 5 , and I work second shift. Huzzah.
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To link to this blog (318David) use [blog 318David] in your messages.
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