Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > miss_candy_cane > Into the Thunderclouds |
Bases Loaded
|
Bases Loaded So the other day, while enjoying a ferry ride across the lake, I was on the phone chatting with someone dear to me and the topic of football came up. Wellllllll if anyone here knows my mind, you shall know it works in quirky ways. After our telephone conversation, my mind began to wander about sports and how it involves sex. I know, I know, you all can't imagine ME thinking about sex, but hey, I'm human and it does happen on occasions. LOL I have always thought that the use of the “bases” analogy for different phases of relationships (or sex to put it bluntly) is just plain silly. In our younger days, it is perceived as a must-use tool for describing without any detail whatsoever to your friends exactly how far you have been allowed to go with your chickie. You don’t have to fess up to your friends how hard you had to work to get to second base, all they need to know is that you got to second base. Further it could be considered somewhat unmanly to brag to your compadres that you got to touch your girl’s boobie. “Dude, I totally got to second base last night,” has a much more macho ring to it. Also, it seems to me that bases one through three and finally home base as levels leave out a good bit of the middle ground. First base, you kiss her. Second base, you touch her boobies. Third base, you touch her secret place. And if you score, well you score. Go all the way. Touch down. See? Touch down seems so much more appropriate here. Not to mention that there are so many different levels of foreplay leading up to the final act, as well as many different levels of the act itself. You’ve got your oral sex, kissing of the boobies (second base only allows for touching), and even anal sex. All not accounted for in the baseball analogy. I think that the analogy should be bent to include many different sports so that all of the bases are covered. Bad pun, sorry. A good example is the use of football as a metaphor for when you are, say, making out on the couch, trying to get further. There is a lot that has to happen between bases one through three and home base. This could easily be considered gaining yards. In football, the team pushes for yards, aiming for the end zone at the opposite end of the field. So you get to first base, you are kissing her and that is nice. Then you hike the ball again and make a play for more yardage. You stick your tongue in her mouth. She may enjoy that, or she may say “Ew, get your tongue out of my mouth, you big jackass.” This could be considered losing yardage. You blew it and the defense pushed you back, pushed you back, waaaay back. Now the two of you are sitting on the couch staring blankly at the television. However, if things go your way and she enjoys your squirmy tongue down her throat, you will gain yards. It is inevitable that you will eventually get tackled and have to try again for a first down. This happens when you accidentally pull her hair or roll over on her cat or any number of offensive moves. Depending on the severity of the transgression, you may need ten more yards, or maybe just three. This is up to the discretion of the girl in question. Another football metaphor could be the concept of touchdown vs. field goal. Everybody wants to score a touchdown, but let’s face it, everybody just wants to score! There are different levels of scoring. Having intercourse would of course be considered a touch down. A field goal, however, would be if you get her to give you a blow job. You still score because you get head, but you don’t get the sex. Field goal vs. touchdown, three points vs. six. A blow job is not a home run, but it still counts toward the win. And imagine trying to go up to your friends the next day and describe your victory with the bases metaphor. You’ve got nothing. It’s like you didn’t get any action at all as far as they are concerned. No bases, no action. So instead: “Dude, I so scored a field goal last night!” Then much high-fiving ensues and you get free beer for the whole night for your success with the ladies while all of your friends want to know what the secret is to getting a chick to go down on you. In football, there is also the Hail Mary, a long pass thrown usually near the end of the game in the hopes that there will be someone on the same team at the proper end zone who will actually catch the ball and score a last minute touchdown for the win. It is rare for a Hail Mary to be successful but they are often sought after nonetheless. This can be an analogy for those guys who seek to do their girlfriends in a very uncomfortable place. Again, it is rarely successful but guys tend to try it anyway. The elusive butt sex is very much like the Hail Mary touchdown. In the middle of a play, going for the yardage, he decides he is running out of time. Better take a chance because it’s now or never. Throws the ball, asks her if he can do it, and the rest is up to her. Either he loses the game by one point or scores and wins by five. This can be a volatile situation as you are putting all of your eggs in one basket. If she is opposed to the idea, things can go very wrong for you. The other team catches your Hail Mary pass and runs it down the entire length of the field to score their own touchdown. You girlfriend slaps you in the face and tells you never to call her again. The nerve!! Conversely, it could work to your advantage if you chose a girl to be your very own who happens to be into that sort of thing. In which case, the pass is caught, touchdown is scored by the proper team and everybody goes home happy. Then there is the extra point. After scoring a touchdown and getting your rocks off, you are eligible for an extra point. This comes about when you get your woman to get up and go get you a snack. That way you can<b> munch </font></b>and then fall directly to sleep without having to engage in any asinine cuddling. This is worth an extra point. You scored AND got her to bring you food. Imagine having the proper lingo to explain that to your friends the next day. Basketball is also a useful analogy. You’ve got your free throws, two pointers, three pointers, half court shots, rim shots, nothing but net and so on. Free throws are a lot like first base, kissing is involved. You don’t get many points for those. Two pointers, you are moving up. Your hands are roving, finding their way to all her special spots. Three pointers, you are going for it, trying to get laid. These often bounce off the rim and go out of bounds. Most of it is in the poor timing. Half court shots are easily distinguished by their complete lack of foreplay. You take the ball and instead of playing it down the court, you go for the gold all at once. This means you jump your girl on the couch and immediately try to take her panties off and stick it to her. These are almost always missed and result in the coach taking you out of the game for being an idiot. Rim shots can be for any amount of points but generally mean that you are teetering on the edge. She is close to saying no and you are close to losing the game. But at the last minute it bounces into the net and you are home free. She is debating telling you to get off of her because her show is about to come on, but then you remind her that you set the VCR to record her favorite show because you knew she would not want to miss it. Off the rim, and into the net. Nothing but net shots, however, require complete acquiescence on her part. You sank the ball and didn’t even touch the rim. You’re a god. She will let you touch her because you obviously did something very right. This could be a well-placed hand or digit, a much-appreciated lack of slobbering, or a general interest in her wants and needs. This is a great way to go because it also makes that cool swishing sound when the ball goes in. There is something special about that “Dude, last night? Nothing but net,” moment at the bar the next day with your pals. Even more effective is the added hand gesture of shooting the imaginary basketball and pretending to hear it go swish. In the end using the baseball analogy comes up short in giving your friends a proper play-by-play of exactly how much skin your girlfriend has let you put your mouth on. We need to delve further into the realm of sports to properly convey our nocturnal activities to others. Reach out and open the door that no one thought could be opened. Life is behind it! |
|||
|
Not too sure about net shots... I like to touch the sides 
| ||
3/14/2009 4:26 pm |
wooohoooooo!!!! Ggirl!!!! homerun!!!! kiss it goodbyeee!!!! She went Yard!!!!!.... runnin with the rock!!!! pancaked him!!! tagged her ass! triple deke thru the 5 hole! He shoots He scores!!!!!! Get in the fastlane Grandma, the bingo game is about to begin!!! ohhhh Michael Micheal Motorcycle! She beat him like a rented mule! Wow! what a crackback! riding time! 8 seconds of fury! Ace! down the line! Fade away for 3...Gooooood!!!! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!! LOL...sorry there, Candywrapper. I'm a lil excited. I have a something coming up this week and well, I'm setting my bar pretty hight!!! lol
| ||
|
OMG shammmma wamma.....this event must realllllly be something, I mean, I have seen ya excited before, but not to his extent. Do tell, do tell....oh and share in on the excitement!! Reach out and open the door that no one thought could be opened. Life is behind it!
|
Become a member to create a blog
