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HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE!
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HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE! HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE! ====================================================================== Do you realize if the Pilgrims had first shot a wildcat instead of a turkey, we'd all be eating pussy for Thanksgiving? ====================================================================== RECIPE FOR TURKEY DRESSING 4 EGGS, BEATEN 7 CUPS POPCORN, UNPOPPED 2 CUPS BREAD CRUMBS 2 CUPS RICE 1 CUP CELERY 1 PACKAGE LIPTON ONION SOUP MIX MIX ALL INGREDIENTS AND STUFF BIRD. ROAST FOR 3 HOURS IN 350 DEGREE OVEN. AT THE END OF 3 HOURS, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE KITCHEN BECAUSE THE POPCORN IS GOING TO BLOW THE ASS OFF THAT BIRD!!!! ======================================================================= Butterball always has a turkey hot-line that they man every year to field questions about how to cook a turkey. This one lady called and asked how long it'd take to roast her bird. The representative asked, "How much does it weigh?" The lady replied, "I don't know. It's still running around outside!" ====================================================================== Thanksgiving Trivia... Ben Franklin wanted the turkey, not the eagle, to be the U.S. national symbol. He considered the eagle a "bird of bad moral character" because it lives by being a shrewd thief. Franklin Roosevelt tried to change the Thanksgiving holiday date to the next-to-last Thursday in November in order to create a longer Christmas shopping season, but was forced to move Thanksgiving back to its original date because of negative public response. The heaviest turkey ever raised weighed in at 86 lbs, about the size of a large German Shepherd. It was grown in England. When Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin sat down to eat their first meal on the moon, their foil food packets contained roasted turkey and all of the trimmings. Turkeys can drown if they look up when it is raining. Turkeys in fields near the Air Force test areas over which the sound barrier was broken were known to drop dead from the shock of passing jets. ======================================================================= Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving But Aren't "Just spread the legs open and stuff it in." "How many are coming?" "Just lay back and take it easy I'll do the rest." "Are you ready for seconds yet?" "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!" "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!" "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it." "How long will it take after you stick it in?" "How long do I beat it before it's ready?" "Are you going to come again next time?" "It's a little dry. Do you still want to eat it?" "Just wait your turn. You'll get some!" "Don't play with your meat!" "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?" "You still have a little bit on your chin." "You'll know it's ready when it pops up." "Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!" "Just reach in and grab the giblets." "Whew...that's one terrific spread!" "I am in the mood for a little dark meat." "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist." "Talk about a HUGE breast!" "And he forces his way into the end zone!" "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down." "It's cool whip time!" "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!" "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out." ===================================================================== What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pussy? Pussy makes it's own gravy. How come it takes 6 men to carry a man to his grave but only one woman to put him there? ===================================================================== The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing(and then they marry him). ===================================================================== I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. ===================================================================== You Might Be A Redneck If: You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table. Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings. You've ever re-used a paper plate. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat. Your turkey platter is an old hub cap. Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them. Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop. Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup. Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. Your secret family recipe is illegal. You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer ====================================================================== 'Twas the Night of Thanksgiving 'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn't sleep I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep. The leftovers beckoned - The dark meat and white But I fought the temptation With all of my might. Tossing and turning with anticipation The thought of a snack became<b> infatuation. </font></b>So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door And gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore. I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, 'Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground. I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie. But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees.... Happy eating to all - Pass the cranberries, please. May your stuffing be tasty, May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes 'n gravy Have nary a lump, May your yams be delicious May your pies take the prize, May your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off of your thighs. ====================================================================== The most thoroughly wasted of all days is that on which one has not laughed. ====================================================================== Blonde Moments! It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself. The next day her mother called to see how everything went. "Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey?" said the . "Did it not taste good?" her mother asked. "I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!" ====================================================================== One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can. "This is for ladies!" she screamed!! The drunk waved his dick at her and said, "What's the problem? So is this!" ====================================================================== Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins." "What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!" The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets." "Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation." When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets. "Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!" At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong. He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"  |
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