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Blogs > rockonpeterhuert > If this be my destiny

And night falls  

rockonpeterhuert 40M
50 posts
1/14/2018 9:34 pm
And night falls
This is going to be a long one, one I might have to come back to. I have so many thoughts and if I type everything that's been going through my mind this entry'll turn into a novella. But I don't know what else to do. I'm hurting and I don't know what else to do. I have no one to talk to except type into this fucking box.

But it's hard to start. So I'll just start with what I did yesterday

After 47 days sober I drank again.

I couldn't stop myself, I drank a few pitchers at a few places and ended the night not even that drunk. I took things light, but make no mistake I was drinking because of<b> depression </font></b>and loneliness, the first time I've felt THIS wave in a long time. The feeling of missing, and missing out.

I forgot how long these things last, I just hope whatever God or force
is out there send's me something good, I don't think my liver or kidneys can take more of these.

I know this is<b> depression </font></b>because I can't take enjoyment out of ANYTHING right now. Not going out, not movies, not video games, not even music. I just exist now.

Funny thing is I was going through a major health scare for the past few months. I was almost 100% certain that I had diabetes, hepatitis, cirrhosis, or a form of cancer. I bothered my doctor almost 8 times this year and took 4 blood tests and a few ultrasounds. I was so determined to cling to life, so afraid of having my time cut short so young, but all tests came negative for everything.

But now that I have the privilege of time, I've got to experience the high's and lows that my life had. For a brief time I was the happiest I've ever been, like ever. It was everything I ever wanted. It was the moments and feelings and companionship that make life, LIFE.

And now that it's gone the dark shadow of what made life unbearable for me is now casting itself over me again

"Remember the light? Well I'm the black, the grey, the shade you ran from. Here again, until the next time you escape. But don't worry, you'll be dragged back then too. I'll still be here. I'll always be here. Till death do us part"

I wish I had someone to talk to.

I was so used to having people in my life, where their presence affirmed and enriched my own existence. I felt accepted. Wanted. Loved. Warm.

And now its gone.

I'm alone.

And even though I'm a grown man, I'm scared of that kind of dark.

Honestly I'm scared of writing more, I'm scared of triggering (yes I'm using that now because it's actually a real thing for me) myself into drinking heavy and if I start doing THAT I will truly be fucked because if i start drowning like I use to I know I'm never going to come back up for air.

I'll write more tomorrow.

Pray for me

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