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Dark Nights of the Soul
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Dark Nights of the Soul And I wonder what it is that has come to possess and drive me so. Looking back I know it has always been there, and bit by bit the lesser desires have been chipped away and all that is left is the essential. I recently learned that when a human baby is born it has no electrical brain wave function for about 2 days. We're the only mammal that can afford to have our babies born stupid, I guess. But that is not to say the baby has no responses. Primal responses do not require the ability to think. The center for such responses is in fact a distinct part of the brain structure called the amygdyla. All that happens there is simple stimulus and response: you hear a bang and you duck, long before the brain processes the possibility of danger. And at the earliest age the two most primal human stimuli are pain (or at least discomfort) and pleasure. As we grow older and more intelligent we separate the two: pain is "bad" and pleasure is "good", but the reality is that neither is bad and neither is good. They just are ... and are the two most primal emotions we know. The beauty lies in perceiving their unity and shared purpose. Separate from each other each is incomplete. Taken together they create the most profound sensual experience imaginable, to the point where one can no longer discern the difference between them. All that said, I'll say simply that I am a sexual sadist. No, you won't find any bodies packed in oil drums at my place. A line exists in me somewhere that I guess you can call conscience. But I like it rough. I enjoy inflicting (and sometimes receiving) pain. This is not because I am angry or hateful. It is because I am sensually empathic, which means that I feel what my partner is feeling. Her pain travels up the flogger or cane into my hands and arms, and charges me. There is nothing I know like it. I<b> meet a woman </font></b>and am always polite, courteous and congenial. But as I look at her I see a toy -- breasts to be tortured, an ass to be spanked, legs and back to be caned. I wonder to myself how much she can take. When I make her ask permission to cum, how long can she hold out? I wonder, if I take her to the edge, what will her terror feel like to me? The good news is that over all these years I have never lost control, though I have come close. For all the pain I have inflicted, all the breath play, all the blade play, I have never injured anyone, even women who were at the time so far gone they would not have known what I was doing anyway and would have been helpless to defend themselves if they had to. That's the ultimate sense of power, you see -- the ability to know when I've gone far enough and to stop even before my partner knows that I must. As I say, this has been my life. My babysitter rode me when I was 5. I tasted my first pussy at 7. I read "O" at 14 and "Justine" at 15. It's all I really know. Yes, I can do the "vanilla" thing, but it doesn't really move me. I need to dive deeply into my partner, find her core -- and I only know one way to do it. The beast awaits. |
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