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Overcoming A SexLess Relationship
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Overcoming A SexLess Relationship A very informative article. Please Read and comment. When I first started my private practice, I was shocked to discover how many seemingly happy couples were not having sex. “I love my wife, I don’t want to have an affair, but I can’t die like this!” One told me through tears. He’d been in a sexless marriage for seven years. I asked him “Is there any intimacy? Do you hug, do you touch feet under the covers at night?” He responded, “There’s nothing, we go through our day in separate worlds, without touch.” He wasn’t my only in this situation. I had single men coming to see me who had previously been in sexless marriages for years, from just a few years due to the birth of a new baby, to 31 years without physical intimacy due to health issues. Many of them exclaimed how much they loved their wives, but the idea of going through the rest of their life without any physical connection was horrifying to them. There were also women in my practice complaining of the same thing. Perhaps their husband lost interest, or maybe his medication had prevented him from getting an erection, or she had had an affair which hurt him emotionally. Then there were the couples trying desperately to get their physical connection back. In my practice today, I still work with people in this situation. Some haven’t had sexual intimacy in years, some engage in it only a few times a year. When I look at the histories of people in sexless relationships I see a pattern. This pattern usually starts with an inciting event- the birth of a , an affair, an illness, a painful argument or break-up. After this event, there may be some healing, but things never return to what they were. Usually one partner seeks sexual intimacy from the other, but is rejected repeatedly. After numerous rejections they just stop asking. The communication about sex breaks down completely. What can couples do? 1) Get help. Kelly Bryson author of “Don’t Be Nice, Be Real: Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others“, says that it takes a village to raise a relationship. I agree. Sometimes, things are too big and painful for you to work out by yourselves. It can help to work with a skilled therapist who works with sexual issues. I recommend working with a good somatic, body-based, psychologist who has training in sexuality. 2) Start communicating. If you want to change things, you have to start talking about what isn’t working for you both. It can be difficult at first, but well worth it in the long run. I recommend taking communication classes together. Non-violent communication is a very effective tool for hearing each other’s needs instead of playing a blame game. 3) Touch again. Don’t make it about sex, just make it about connecting physically. Maybe it’s feet under the covers at night, maybe it’s a hug in the morning, maybe it’s a shoulder rub- but make sure it isn’t just a pathway to<b> get sex. </font></b>I usually advise my couples to do on each other, but the rule is that they aren’t allowed to have sex. At first taking sexual intercourse off the table can help you to reignite the flames of passion. 4) Get connected. It’s important to realize that although it may seem that it’s about sex and only sex, many of the people I see in my practice are seeking more than just the physical act-they want connection. Oftentimes I hear women say, “All he wants is sex!” But it’s far from the truth. A basic human need is connection. Men and women want closeness, connection, and physical touch. These needs and desires are often met through sexual experiences. 5) Negotiate options. You do not have to stay in a sexless marriage or relationship. There are options, but you must discuss them with your partner. I have known many couples who love each other and decide to stay together, yet they open their relationship up to other sexual partners so that they can get their sexual/intimate needs met. There are other forms of relationships that work. I think that it’s time we start bringing these issues out into the light. If you are in a sexless relationship, you are not alone. About 85% of my private practice currently consists of singles and couples in this situation, yet none of them feel okay admitting it or talking about it. Know that you are not alone, there’s hope, and you have options. “I did what you said. I gave my wife a massage, a long slow massage with good hands, and I didn’t approach her for sex at all. I did it again a few nights later. She started becoming more affectionate with me, then she approached ME for sex. After 6 months of nothing, this was so wonderful I felt on top of the world!” A student of mine wrote to me after I gave him some ideas of how to get his wife interested in physical affection again. I write this to give you hope. I know that so many of you are hopeless and think that things will never change, but they can, and they will. By Jaiya Please leave comment!!!!!!! |
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