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| Blogs > Canus2011 > Adventure my ass! |
Is it that time again already?
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Is it that time again already? Wow ...so it's been a while, and although I really don't FEEL like writing at all, I think I may need to start forcing myself to work up a little bit of gumption and putting a little bit of text to screen. I had to look back at a few of the previous posts, and the two posts that I've actually said anything informative about what is actually going on in my life were refused. In the meantime, I figured out why the site was rejecting them, but I guess I just took it as providence or something and never bothered to make the edits that would let them post. That, and I just tend to be a little (or a lot) private about these sorts of things. Two months ago, my mother had another bone-marrow biopsy to confirm the suspicion that the chemo was no longer doings its job. We've been through this a lot ...four and a half years; somehow it still didn't exactly make things easier when we got the news that I'd sort of been deep-down expecting every time. The cancer has mostly taken over and there weren't any more viable treatment options. I have a hard time writing about this sort of thing ...partially because I hate how I must sound, partially because I don't like to give it my full attention, partially because I don't always know how to handle feedback on it. The doctor recommended starting hospice sooner rather than later. She said that six months was "realistic" when asked about life expectancy (actually, that's also the equivalent of "terminal" for purposes of hospice care ...if the doctor gives a year, then one isn't technically eligible). Mom still felt fairly well and went into full denial mode about the prognosis ...don't construe me as being negative about that; full blown denial has worked WELL for my mother where her cancer is concerned. In the past, I've been very hesitant to WRITE about it myself (I tell myself "superstition"), so the apple doesn't always fall far from the tree in that regard. So moving along ...Mom wasn't even willing to entertain the notion of hospice since "she felt fine" and all. We had a pretty good list of "pro's" laid out for her, but I had already determined that we weren't going to push it for at least a month. We ALL needed a bit of time to absorb the news ...I had no expectations about Mom agreeing to it immediately and was certainly not disappointed by the initial response. AuntiE had been here for nearly 6 months and she had been great to have around, but she hadn't really intended to even stay as long as she did. Granted, she was willing to stay for the duration, but Mom really wasn't having it either. My sister (the oft-time drama queen) was going on with me a couple of weeks before AuntiE left about being concerned with how I was going to be able to handle things without any help ...and I felt a bit bad to tell her that I thought she was REALLY overestimating just how much AuntiE actually DID around here. It wasn't actually meant to be a complaint about AuntiE (I love her to death and she's great company), but she's 78 and not in all that great of health herself. She was nice to have around as company, but as far as "boots on the ground" help ...erm, not so much. Well my sister was aggravated as all get out with me; she'd been under the impression that AuntiE had been a bit more "useful?" (wow, you see this is another reason I hate talking about this because sometimes there just aren't good ways to say this sort of thing) It also goes a little ways to validate my sisters aggravating, but not entirely untrue, position that she doesn't know these things because I don't TELL her. She also says that I suck at "asking for help" ...which is true, but probably not for the reasons that she thinks. She seldom follows through on what help she DOES offer, so it's a bit difficult to think of things to ask for that she would actually be willing or able to provide. AuntiE has been gone for a week now and as far as the amount of work, there's been virtually no difference so far. AuntiE did the dishes and Mom's laundry, but I still did all the cooking and cleaning. The one thing that I did NOT really account for was the value of merely having the company. When I moved in with Mom two years ago (I can't believe it's been that long), her mental health was still pretty good; she was able to work and drive herself back and forth. It was a pretty short transition to taking over most of the household duties, but she was mostly still ABLE to do a great deal. It was probably around this time last year that her mental health started to deteriorate; mostly just memory and relatively benign word-retrieval problems, but still very noticeable issues. By the time she fell and broke her arm in February, she really was in no position to even be working anymore, but she had a great boss and co-workers who covered for her. The broken right arm forced her to give up the job and she still has some major anger issues about that, but we were all kind of relieved that it was a broken bone that forced her to quit rather than her boss having to ask her to resign. After the less than stellar doctor prognosis, Mom went on a bit of a tear ...trying to do yard work, trimming hedges ...basically trying to busy herself with stuff she didn't have any business doing in the first place. She was/is largely on a "mission" to show us all (and herself) how "fine" she is. I keep an eye on her, but I also have to choose my battles. If I actively try to stop her, then she tries to sneak around and do things when I'm not keeping an eye on her ...quite often causing more trouble that if I'd just let her do it to begin with. (For instance: she wanted to help carry in the groceries and I told her I had it ...of course she ran back and grabbed a bag then wasn't able to hold it and broke most of the contents of said bag when she dropped it. Now I just hand her the bags with bread or other really light things; the trick is to not remind her what she can't do, but rather to give her things she CAN do instead.) A few weeks ago, I suspected that she might have had a minor stroke of some sort ...her ability to find words went from bad to worse almost overnight after overdoing herself trying to do some work she shouldn't have been doing anyway. Now she is very difficult to have any sort of actual conversation with ...I'm not sure how deep the diminished capacity goes, but Mom doesn't seem to fully realize the severity of it although she's quite aggravated by it AS it happens. The week before AuntiE left, I had a talk with Mom and told her that with AuntiE leaving, I didn't feel confident in my abilities to handle anything that might come at me, and I wanted her to reconsider the hospice idea for MY benefit if not her own. I've found that if I make it about ME rather than her, she's a lot more likely to go for it, and this was no exception. Mom agreed and we've had the service going since Monday of last week; right now it's just two visits per week, but will scale up as Mom (or myself) needs it. The main thing that I REALLY miss about AuntiE being here is conversation though ...I never really considered THAT part of the equation and I may need to start kicking myself to write a little bit again. Mom talks a fair bit, but understanding what she's saying is quite often a bit of a challenge. Having somebody to gripe to a little bit is a commodity that is far too underrated as well. Yeah ...I need to work on my sense of humor a bit as well. *blah* |
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I am so very sorry to be this late in giving you my sympathies on the loss of your mom!!!
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