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| Blogs > rm_otsana > Journey of Self Discovery |
What r your fantasy's?
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What r your fantasy's? So with the insomnia came all this self analization And these are some of the thoughts that have been racing through my head so I am just getting it down and out. As I've said before I have had a very limited sex life I was with the same man for 19 yrs of my life. The relationship itself was destructive as it was both emotionally and toward the end very physically abusive. if I had to chose between the two I would chose the physical abuse every time, because it is the emotional stuff that has me damaged. One of his controls was sex and affection, and he used to call me a slut because he said all I ever wanted was sex. ( let me be clear I was lucky to<b> get sex </font></b>for a cumulative hour a yr and 15 minutes every 3-4 months) But just this 1 statement did it's toll on me because, I associate my desires with being a slut. And it's because of this that the few times I have explored my own desires I have felt guilt the following day. Other areas where his words were damaging were to my self image ( I was always a fat ugly Bitch) and my sexual image- 1 because he did deny me sex, my mind said that it had to be me, that I was doing something wrong and could not satisfy him.( even though when we did have sex it was over for him before I even got warmed up) His added cruelty toward the end of are relationship really added to my sexual insecurity. So all of this has lead me to the knowledge that I need something more. I recently re did my profile on another sight and this is what I said-I am very controlled in my daily life always responsible and in charge. but at 36 I am just discovering my sexual identity. I'm monogamous by nature, but am open to poly life style. I'm not a jealous person by nature and share well but ultimately want a LTR relationship where we explore together. I am not a BI-female ( so can not be termed a unicorn) having said that I have a lot of game with women and I enjoy being kissed and touched and if the right women presented herself then maybe I would be more giving of myself but basically I am a pillow princess and will not claim to be anything else. I am a Masochist,( I enjoy a little pain with all my pleasure) I enjoys the feel of a flogger, paddle or belt in the right hands. And if a DOm relationship presented itself... I'm Looking for Someone who can push my boundaries to the limits with out damaging me or humiliating me. who is willing to build me back up and give me the support and confidence I need to enjoy my submission. I'm single.... not really looking because that takes to much effort and I have a life that includes my ( a 12 yr old who lives with me through the week and has weekends with his Dad and a 14 yr old I have 24/7)... They are old enough to have a life of their own....so most weekends and nights I'm free but.... they will always be my first loves Though I have found that BDSM is more of a life style choice for me then just play. it has made me question why I am submissive, why I have found my submission at this time in my life,and even if I am truly a submissive at all.... or just someone with a lot of new kinks they want to explore... it also makes me question the types of relationships I am willing to pursue. Sexually I need the balance and release that BDSM gives me BUT....I also need sensual relationship, open to communication, laughter and just plain old fun in and out of the bedroom. Currently I'm just looking for a mentor, and to create positive and supporting friendships.get out of the day to day and socialize. I'm eager to learn and grow in my sexuality so looking for those willing to provide Instruction and feedback, as I am new to this life style and a completely untrained submissive. End profile So today here I am putting myself out there in a world where I am sure to be shot down and wondering what the HELL am I thinking. I think the key to the profile above is that I need Someone who can push my boundaries to the limits with out damaging me or humiliating me. someone who is willing to build me back up and give me the support and confidence I need to enjoy I was recently asked what my desires and fantasies are.. A simple question right.. Hell No. Because in my marriage I wasn't allowed to have fantasy or desires.. My fantasy at that point was just getting through the day with out a big blow up. Lol And on those rare moments where my mind may have wandered that way it was for very PC stuff. Like the desire to receive oral se  something I had never experienced until we split.. The desire to give oral sex (because was one of the things he didn't like and called me a slut for wanting to do.)The majority of my fantasy base is around public sex, wearing no panties to dinner, having a remote vibrating egg while at a party. playing with toys together...very pc couple kind of activity. The rest is all about sensual Play.. Though I am open to other realms of fantasy and want someone to push my boundaries a little. The problem for me lies in that for me to feel that I also have to trust. I've said all along I do not want a relationship..or at least not one that is serious. I think I've been lying to myself completely, I said it in earlier blogs recently that I have been self sabotaging myself and hiding behind the sex. The incident with JJ has brought this all out for me. Every fantasy that I come up with has a element that you just can not experience with a NSA relationship. So people because I can not seem to come up with good fantasy's of my own what are some of yours? OTSANA{=} |
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If you pursue a dom-sub relationship, it is extremely important that you find somebody that you can trust. Without trust, there is simply fear, and you won't have a positive experience. I could certainly see how some of the negative things from your marriage could be turned into positives with the right master -- such as using the term "slut" as your title instead of an insult, or "punishing" you by making you provide oral service on demand. I prefer the submissive role as well. I love following sexual orders, and I would love to have somebody who could really push my limits. One of my big fantasies would be to function as a waiter/servant for an all-women house party. They would be fully clothed, while I would be naked or wearing very little (as in my profile picture). It would be my job to bring them snacks and drinks, and as they got drunk, their demands of me get increasingly kinky. [post 3097853] Come join the half-nekkid fun! Check out HNW Bloggers.  
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Simply being on this site is the pursuit of a fantasy, for each and every one of us. My wife stopped wanting sex over 13 years ago and it was only within the past few years that my born-again virginity (or dry spell, whichever. lol) was over. My fantasy is to be able to wish less and experience more. That, however, is all of our fantasies in a nutshell. If a more specific experience is the answer you seek, I would suggest watching porn and see if any scenario piques your interest and go from there. Flavor the experience with your own special blend of spices and enjoy the moment for the moments sake.
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2/10/2013 10:36 am |
Certainly seems like you are struggling with some hurdles there though sounds like you are on the right path to circumvent them in time. Just as it took some time to create these obstacles, it may take some time to overcome them too. One of my favorite sayings is something like "Be kind to yourself for you are a precious sentient being and the universe is unfolding as it will." Bravo to you for striving for what you want and need in life!
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Otsana, First off, not even a little bit trained in psych. Here's my observation. Having been in the past marriage/relationship you had, your limited experience has taught you that is how you get love and affection. Your ex was cruel and did not provide anything positive for you, yet something deep inside you tried to make it into that. Now exploring dom/sub roles that seems fitting. However now you want someone who can do that for you lovingly rather than abusively. Chances are you are sub because of your past experiences. Hard to change that. I'll really have to work on a good fantasy. Right now even having a partner is a fantasy, so I'd be happy to take what I can get 
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@ROM2point0, your insight is excellent. you should write.
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You are a beautiful person inside and out! We can both tell just in the short time we have known you! His problem is HIS insecurities! You deserve to be treated like a princess, along with the fun spankings!!
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Thank You both so much..It has been wonderful getting to know you too. Maybe some day i will find what I desire, for now i think I just need to go back to not having any expectations, and letting it find me. OTSANA{=}
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