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More Carlin humor
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More Carlin humor And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: it reads, and I quote, "fuck waffles." Source: Carlin on Campus Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. Somewhere in the world is the world's worst doctor. And what's truly terrifying is that someone has an appointment with him tomorrow morning. I committed suicide and all I got was this stupid fucking T-shirt! Life Is Worth Losing A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. A Place for My Stuff! Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff? A Place for My Stuff! Cancer research is a growth industry. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view. Honk if your horn is broken. Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac! "Would you look at this idiot? Take a look at this idiot right here, just creeping along... Woah, look at that maniac go!" Napalm and Silly Putty (2001) Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the ? Reminds me of something my grandfather used to say. He used to say "I'm going upstairs and fuck your grandmother." Well, he was an honest guy, you know? He wasn't going to lie to a 5 year old. Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. Napalm and Silly Putty Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. Rarely does a loose woman have a tight pussy. On Opening Day, the President doesn't throw OUT the first ball. He throws it IN. If he threw it out, it would land in the parking lot and someone would have to go get it. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. I knew a<b> transsexual </font></b>guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary. Tits always look better in a pink sweater. The status quo always sucks. Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. You know what's interesting about assassination? Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big fucking hurry, but it's also interesting to notice who it is we assassinate. Ya ever notice who it is, got to think who it is we kill? It's always people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon - they all said, "Try to live together peacefully." BAM! Right in the fuckin' head! Apparently we're not ready for that. Yeah, that's difficult behavior for us. We're too busy thinking around, sitting around trying to think up ways to kill each other. Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast. Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that." When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again. I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine. I never watch Sesame Street. I already know most of that stuff. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. Brain Droppings I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there. I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public. If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends. If you mail a letter to the post office, who delivers it? In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "Meow" means "woof" in cat. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "No comment" is a comment. Nothing is so boring as listening to someone else describe a dream. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy? "Ten Things That Piss Me Off" Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here. The best thing about living at the water's edge. You only have assholes on three sides of you and if they come this way you can hear them splash. The difference between the blues and the blahs is that you can't sing the blahs. The future will soon be a thing of the past. The planet is fine. The people are fucked. The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." There are two pips in a beaut, four beauts in a lulu, eight lulus in a doozy, and sixteen doozies in a humdinger. No one seems to know how many humdingers there are in a lollapalooza. Tonight's Forcast: dark, It will be mostly dark tonight, followed by widely scattered light in the morning. Wanna help your ? Leave them the fuck alone!!! I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile. Napalm and Silly Putty If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party. (Napalm and Silly Putty) If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it! 69... 71, which is 69 with two fingers up your ass... 68 which is "You do me an' I'll owe you one." Women hear that one all the time! "Incomplete List of Impolite Words" I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos. You can prick your finger, just don't finger your prick. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. Reminds me of something my third grade teacher said to us, she said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cock-sucker from Guatemala." We have more ways to describe dirty words than we actually have dirty words. We call them bad words, dirty, filthy, foul, vile, vulgar, coarse, in poor taste, unseemly, street-talk, gutter-talk, locker room language, barbaric talk, bawdy, naughty, saucy, raunchy, rude, crude, lewd, indecent, profane, obscene, blue, off-color, suggestive, cursin', cussin', swearin' and all I could think of was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits! Two heart attacks has changed my diet, but I still cook bacon for the smell. The kind of doorhandles which is recessed a little bit into the door and your fingers actually go in a little before they actually grab it. Don't you like that? I like that. That's why they're not going to make it anymore. They found out we liked that. Source: Carlin on Campus 1984 (23:45) No one should ever have any object placed inside their asshole that is larger than a fist and less loving than a dildo. Prayer: Please let me find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership. |
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