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It may be past . . . only . . .
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It may be past . . . only . . . The other day, I caught up with one of my sons, due to his birthday. In our conversation, he casually added "Dad said to say Hello". He also informed me that his father is having his "bail hearing" and told me the date, sometime last week. As I don't really want to know anything about the man, at the time, it went in one ear and out the other. This is the man who, now thirty years ago . . . strangled me until my body went limp and I started to black out on one occasion. . . . . tried to throw me off a balcony about three metres or ten feet above a concrete driveway, only I grabbed him so he'd go with me, and clung for dear life. . . . . threw my head, like me with the back of my head against a brick wall. That's a double brick wall, proper full brick house that one, and caused what a herbalist at a later date told me was a "medulla lesion", which means that you lose control of your emotions, and act like a loony tunes. . . . . sexually assaulted me on another occasion, causing the eventual birth of my second , and today I don't know if that is actually his, because the assault happened on the 14th June 1980, and I met and got close to another man on the 26th September 1980, and when this was born on 4th March 1981, the attending doctor said he was 14 weeks premature, underdeveloped lungs, unformed fingernails, underdeveloped stomach. For the first two years of his life, this of mine had nothing but health problems, and yes, I did love my , and always have loved him, just I am sensible enough to know that there is nothing I can do for this boy, as he has been into drugs, and I cannot deal with the outcomes. It is too much for me. . . . threw my legs at a concrete floor (with<b> vinyl </font></b>flooring over it) to smash them permanently. Every ten years, I now get swelling in one of my knees, and a doctor said I have "bursitis". Sorry, I don't normally discuss any of this. It is past, and for me ancient history, however that man clearly explained to me that if I found a dead mouse or someone else found a dead mouse on their doorstep, it's a warning "next time you are dead", and as cats do kill mice regularly, it's important to know the difference. He also told me other warnings and threats, so saying "hello" from jail is a death threat also, very clearly to me, just I am clever enough to take it with the grain of salt that is needed here. It's also about a year or so, since I found not only a dead mouse which my cat had not killed on my doorstep, but my bin was burned out and left in the middle of the road as well. Only I had done nothing to bring any of this on, as I am not like my first husband, and I am definitely not part of the drug world, as I hate what it is, and what it has done to not only my life, but others as well. He also threatened ever so clearly "One day, you don't know where, you don't know when, I will kill you. I will be a thousand miles away, and I will kill you. It will be a friend, someone you trust." I have made sure a number of people know that he made this threat, and that is the end of it for me, as what is more likely to kill me, would be the fear of that threat being carried out. That is what he depended on, the fear factor, and then of course, if that didn't work, he'd add the possibility of the death threat being carried out. Now for him to send the "hello" from jail, he must be thinking that somehow I have something to do with him being there. Well, he never was the full quid, or he'd know that I have absolutely nothing to do with it. It's like him blaming me for . . .now you had better tell me what he blamed me for, as I do have no idea. What I do know is that I did work very hard to get out of that marriage from the day he beat me up, three days after we were married. Oh, didn't I tell you about that? Sorry, I forgot. He beat me up so badly, with a leather belt, very trendy at that time, covered in little pointy studs, around the top of my legs, and my upper legs, not only the back where he had hit, the front as well, right around the tops of my legs and all over the lower part of my backside, covered in black and blue and yellow and green and purple bruises for a whole week or more, and I could not sit down without pain for that first week, and why did he do it? He did it to show me who was boss, no other reason. Being me, that day, when he did that, I did try to leave. I ran outside screaming, and ran down the road, only I did not know the area I was in, had never been near there in my life, so it was all unfamiliar territory, which is what men like him do. It's very deliberate, I will get back to that. Ok, so I run outside, and down the road. It's a major highway, with cars passing constantly. Nobody stopped. Nobody cared. Tears were streaming down my face, and nobody helped, so I determined, that one day, somehow, I would leave this man, and when I had that first it looked even harder, and then when he made the first threats, it looked even harder, as he said then, "if you leave me, and you take our , or , I will come and shoot the first, then I will shoot you, and then I will shoot myself", and sometimes when I remember, I just wonder if it would not have been kinder for me to leave and take the , and it could have all been over then, only I left without the , which were only supposed to be one , so he raised my two boys, against my wishes, only I knew to allow this to happen, if I wanted us all alive, so I did. (Ok, getting back to that theory. Men like him, deliberately isolate a woman from her family and from her support network, so that they can have control. Then they assault her at least once, to make sure she knows to obey them. It's an old fashioned tactic, and I don't know if young men do it now. If I catch them, they will be answering to me, because I will protect the woman, and this is when I can make enemies, as once the young man knows that I will not put up with his behaviour, he now turns on me as well as his woman, only he does not realise that I have been there before, and I can survive, as I did survive, and if I have anything to do with it, I will also survive this young idiot.) You think this is bad, they are the nice bits. Here is the really gruesome bit. He told me that he would cut my cat into a thousand pieces, and put it on my doorstep, and when I found it, it would be a message that I was going to be killed. I had living, as in daytime nightmares, about this again and again over the next year or so. I kept seeing the vision of my cat all cut up, and then one day, my came to stay with me on access, as that had become the way things were. He told me how he had found my cat in the pipe, (a big piece of pipe in the playground for to play in) all cut up and bloody. My thought that others had done this, and there was no way, that I could even think to the point where I could really say anything, as the nightmare had come true, only not for me, for my . How cruel can you get???? The good news is that the nightmares finally stopped, as it had happened. ... the man told me other gruesome things, and right now, I am remembering with discomfort. The reason I do not want to share, is because there is always an idiot who will copy something that they read somewhere. Sometimes it's better not to share all. It's enough to say that the man told me he would do things which are really really gruesome, and he said he would do them to me. ..... today that man is in jail, for killing a man at the beginning of last year. Am I happy about that? Not really. In a sense, I am glad that he is in jail, as he did terrible things to me all those years ago, and got away with them. Not only that, he got to keep my after doing those things to me, as our system needed some kind of concrete evidence, and I was really too messed up at the time to begin to give the evidence needed. Not only that, there were no real laws protecting a woman from a husband doing those things to her, as she had previously been a "good and chattel". That was only changed in 1964. Then on the 30th June 1980, in marriage laws were introduced, only about fourteen or sixteen days too late for my case, oh, so sad. Life is like that. I look at things this way when I am feeling myself. I am alive, and I produced two really beautiful who are now young adults. Those two , are not part of the world I grew up in, nor the world of that man. They are in their father's world, and even if I am not there, it's ok, because I know that I did succeed, and that is everything to me. I did succeed in raising two of the nicest young adults you will ever meet, and if that changes ever, it will be your or someone else's doing, not mine, so whoever causes the change will be responsible, not me, and I have the knowledge in my heart, for as long as I am conscious, that I really did succeed. Until I get damaged, or lose consciousness, that can never be taken away, and if it is, my identity gets taken away, so it won't matter, as I won't be me. Get it??? NO??? Tough. I can't change what my two oldest are, only I did succeed there to an extent too, as both of those young men are a lot nicer, and a lot softer than their father/father figure, so whatever he is, whatever he does, I have won, because I did change the world. ...... whatever that man might achieve in a negative way today, that's fine, as I did succeed in my way. I have my message out there, that there are people like him, who will do things that should not be done, and they may always exist, because male hormones make men "war" and women like me cannot change their hormones. What women like me can do, is make it clear that we will not be part of their life, and no matter what a man like that does, threat or none, implied or not, a woman like me will never ever willingly be part of his life again, so yes, a man like him might be able to force a woman to do this or that. He can never get a woman like me to voluntarily do anything he wants, ever again. . . . having said that, a man like him will want to save face, so he will attempt to use coercion to get a woman to tell the world, that what I just said here is not true, at any time that he can. I am telling you that no matter what a man like him forces a woman to do at any later date, the fact stands that he did these things, and if you noticed, you have no idea as to who he is, nor who I am, unless you are someone I know personally, and who has been told that this is me, so no, it's not out there at all, however the message is ... and that is what counts. I do hope your day is a lot better than mine today, as I am not feeling the best, only I will get over it, as I do everything else. If I don't get over it, it won't be for a lack of trying, so if I am not pretty enough for you, and my teeth offend you, go away. If my home is too messy visually for you, and you can't see what is underneath, go away. I do not need people like you in my life. The sort of people I need in my life, are caring, understanding, not awful people. 
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