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How I am and my beliefs
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How I am and my beliefs Last time, I offered to anyone who was reading my blog the ability to suggest anything that they may want to know but so far no one had. I decided that people do not understand who I am, how I am, and my beliefs. I figured that since many people seem to not understand about me it might help to understand me. Unlike most people I knew, I have not had the easiest life growing up. At an early age I remembered things happening around me but it didn’t make sense to me. I realized after going to a special school that I was slow to understand thing around me. It was like being in a reality after running through the world in slow motion. I could pick up on a lot of details but the content was not understood. Almost like looking at a close up of a picture in high definition. It may look beautiful but until the full picture came into view it still does not have context. This was true with my family. My family of three brothers, two older and one younger, were very normal of nothing major happening on the surface but more under. Many things happened but since I was not part of the more under the surface I just lived my life and kept to the details I knew. I eventually started to change around the time my brothers each found girlfriends. I didn’t understand the whole idea but continued to watch and try to understand. I tried having a girlfriend but that was sort of a bust because of the lack of knowledge and interaction with the girlfriend while we were free from junior high school. After I went to school I was able to understand more about my surroundings but having a girlfriend was still having an issue. I felt like a fish so far out of water that nothing would save me. I tried different things but nothing made sense. One day when I found the first magazine depicting a transgender girl in the back it was like everything I didn’t understand clicked into place like a puzzle. However even though this feeling of understanding was there, it raised even more questions. I was raised Roman Catholic which for the longest time taught me that if it was not accepted by the church it was considered shameful and should not be talked about. I kept trying to figure out on my own why things didn’t make sense. I turned to my brothers who had more knowledge than I had but they didn’t want to even go into it with me since it was a subject they had a hard time with. My parents were also typical and treated sex like many Roman Catholics, not something to talk to your about. I eventually was able to turn to the internet in a search for answers. I realized that I was not trying to find myself but I was slowly creating who I would become. I started to believe that who I ended up becoming dismayed with the prospect being dismal. I felt that it didn’t matter, I would never be able to find someone to share my life with at least the someone I was looking for. Fast forward many years later and I have finally created who I am right now. For the past seven years I have tried to explain to people what I believe and who I am to allow them to better understand me. After my father died, I took over his job in the kitchen cooking meals. They started out as just hot dogs and already prepared meals but eventually I have created a menu that many of my friends and family enjoy and ask for me to make. My brothers who are now less squeamish about how I am have even jokingly said that I would make a good wife some day. I believe they were simply teasing but I actually think about how that would be a nice thought even how outrageous it would be, it still nice to think about it. Now that my family and friend have learned to accept me for who I am and what I believe I still see another group who are rude and nasty toward me. This is the transgender people themselves. I would not say it was the community because not everyone who is in the community would believe the same thing but those who are rude and nasty toward me tend to call me names and say I was the reason they can be happy in a relationship. Confused I try to ask how I would have anything to do with that and get the reaction of because you are a guy who can’t admit that you are gay and so you are chasing after an illusion that was created by the dark side of Hollywood that does not exist. Again, confused by this I did research what they were talking about and found that yes, back in the day the porn industry did make things up that were not real and yes back when I first started my journey I did see things that were not real because of this industry but we are now part of a new world that everyone can be anything they wish to be. Saying to me that I am not able to be who I wish to be and allow me to be with who I wish to be is as much repression as what transgender activist scream out at me about. I am not asking to do anything different but my belief is that everyone has a right and the moment you step on someone else’s right because of your belief you are doing exactly what you were fighting against. I am open minded about everyone’s opinion and many of my beliefs have changed due to the beliefs of others but in an active debate not a shouting match. I did say something that fueled the flames due to the way in which I said it and that was because I just felt I should ask a question but at the last moment I left the question off which made it wrong for me to say. I had been told by a friend who was Post op transgender that I should just go after a nice CIS girl who enjoys toys. When I said that on a board it exploded and I took the damage of everyone who felt hurt by my comment. I tried to explain to the worst but in the end had to leave it be. It took me several months of soul searching to finally figure out what to do and that was to tell those who hated on me If you say hateful things to me you better know me, if you don’t remember, “YOU DON”T KNOW ME.” You have the right to say the stuff you say but you don’t know me and don’t know my background. You have no right to accuse me of something that is holding you back. It is more likely that the only thing hold you back is being caused by you and your fear. My friends who know me know who and what I am. My beliefs are strong and even if someone told me this again, I will continue my search. I don’t care how many times I get beaten upon by the ignorant with words and emotions. I don’t care how many times people believe they know what is best for me. I AM STILL ME. When I was trying to figure myself out I found a series of tests with one the Combined Gender Identity and Transsexuality Inventory. (COGIAT  . After I tested myself and worked with friends to allow my mind to expand and open to all possibilities I finally felt I knew who I was and what I wanted in life from a significant other. However society and the group I felt I sided with had to put its own twist on my life. I still get called names and people do not allow me to forget the bigotry, anger, frustration, and hurt that they have either felt or build up in them. I will continue my search until I finally find the person I was meant to be with.What I believe in is simple to say but hard to explain some of it. I am a gender-fluid individual who is Androgyne. I have thoughts of both male and female yet my body is male. I feel at times as female and will act as such around those I feel safe with and trust. I am analytical and calculated, yet allow logic to be a driving force in my life. If I see something that is not logical it tends to get on my nerves but I have begun to let things go to reduce unnecessary stress in my life. I enjoy things to be as perfect but know it will always be chaos. Some call me a realist but I enjoy escaping into my imagination a lot of the time. This is where things get a little confusing, I am a dominant versatile who leans more to being a bottom most of the time. I am agnostic, but allow everyone around me to talk about what they believe in as long as they don’t push their beliefs on me. I enjoy debate as long as they are eventful and don’t get<b> violent. </font></b>I believe I am who I was intended to be and the only person who can change that is me. I know who I am and what I like. I wish I could become full female but know based on my body type that I would still look like a man in a dress with makeup on. I finally am happy with who I am and still do imagine what it would be like but know I would not go that route unless something extreme happens and even if I would still think about it for a while. I am happy with me and my life. I am slowly rebuilding after a major job shift and will continue moving forward. I have learned through my life and will not give up to settle with something I am not truely happy with. I will always be looking for that one person who I hope to make as happy as they would make me. |
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Very nice read hon. Today there seems to be labels and answers for everything. I say be who you want to be and don't let labels and haters get you down. You and only you know who you are and how you really feel. Keep your chin up and be strong. Take care and be safe. Ciao. Gina
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