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Why is everyone an asshole?
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Why is everyone an asshole? I took a brief hiatus from writing to clear my head a bit. I recently was told by someone after some general chat through email that I was just like the<b> assholes </font></b>I complain about because I stopped answering his emails. To give a little background to this I was talking to someone on one of the chats who was a non-passable transvestite. While we spoke I was asking rather specific questions about him while he was just asking general questions that anyone could see were more for I can’t think of anything to ask you so I am going to ask you this. Most of them were items like how was your day or how have you been where I was asking things like tell me your story. I am one who learns more about people through their tales than through just how they are right then. I can see when they make their minds up about something rather than hear them say well I decided to do this because mommy or daddy didn’t love me. It helps me to see them for who they really are rather than having them tell me. With this being said, he was answering my questions but still showing something that is quite common among everyone on and off the internet. They aren’t against you; they are for themselves. I wanted to know more about the person I am talking with but would not be willing to give them anything about me unless asked. This individual was not asking which cause me to think hard about it, was this person wanting to know more about me or just wanting to find someone to fill a need. I was looking for someone specific and wanting to know that I was someone they would really want to know rather than just a person who is around like once a month. Murphy’s or someone else’s law finally cause this come to a head when my phone went on the fritz causing me to miss emails and messages or duplicate texts to friends after a while. You may ask why would this make the situation worse. Well lately I have depended upon my phone as my main source for my email which with him contacting me only through email I would miss causing it to appear I was ignoring. I even found that some email would go as if I read even though I hadn’t when I check on my computer. This resulted in him sending a rather nasty email which in it he called me an asshole just like those I had complained about. Now you may wonder why a random stranger I was just starting to get to know would cause such a reaction from me, well that is because I treat everyone with what I feel is the respect I wish to be treated like. This statement made me look long and hard about how I treated people and even though my phone did cause the original issue. I didn’t try to contact him back because I looked over the conversations and saw clues or red flags to me that I didn’t like. Why contact someone to apologize about technology only to then turn around and say that even though the tech did that, it still doesn’t mean I am interested. It is like being giving something you want only to have it pulled again out of your reach which to me is logically not right. I came to the conclusion that I would rather allow this guy to think I am an asshole, than to allow him to think I am anything worse. I realize that everyone is out for themselves and people can get lost in the shuffle of getting something I want but how far do I go before I am truly that which I hate the most. I want love and as much of a “normal” life as everyone else. How it is inside the home is the only difference for others around me. I am one who enjoys to cook, sit and watch television/youtube/netflix, play video games, bike ride, walk around anywhere with that special someone. The problem many people have is that which I am attracted to does not fit into the social norm and that does tend to hurt when I discuss it with anyone who does not understand (That even includes those who are in the group too.). I have been called many things over the time from when I first started getting to know the difference between reality and film fakery. I started a long time ago and have found some friends and a few lovers along the way but because of one reason or another none have been that special someone. I have widened my search so that I was not looking for that needle in the haystack but even with that it is still such a big net for such a small category. I know I will have to compromise with some items, yet not so much that it changes who I am looking for entirely. This is why I believe that at one point and time in our lives we are all<b> assholes </font></b>to those around us because we have specific tastes and if the person we are talking to ends up not being the one we will treat them horribly in the hopes to save their egos and feelings. I have had that happen with one of my exes. We had been going out for a long time and after we had talked about our turn ons and such the comment was uttered from her, ‘Oh, if you want me to change who I am either with a prosthetic or real, we will break up.’ I didn’t think anything of it because I was wearing my rose colored glasses with her. Several years later those glasses faded, showing me the reality of our relationship. I realized I needed to get out of the relationship before she looked to get married causing me to be in a loveless relationship. I wanted to be in a relationship that was a mixture of attraction to the personality, body, and soul of the person and all I was getting from this one was a fake personality. She finally revealed that when we were together for a while and I saw who she really was. This showed me how much of an asshole she was even though I had not seen it it hurt me when those glasses broke. I had to sit and think long and hard because many of my family had learned to like her. I eventually had to tell everyone and explain the reason which was quite hard to do for my mother. She eventually understood and was better for each. Another time of me being an asshole to one that I thought loved me was when I found out the girl that I had been seeing was doing drugs and causing a great deal of damage to herself and everyone else around her. The final straw and the reason I call myself an asshole for this was when she asked for me to go and get money out from my bank account and bring it to her on the other side of the city(about an hour commute) before I had to go to work at 7 am. She called at 5 am and I was living at home. This was also back when there was only one phone in the house. My father answered the phone then brought it up to me. He woke me by dropping it on my face. The message my father gave me switched on my asshole nature. He said, “If this person ever calls here this early again you will not like the outcome.” This turned on my I don’t give a fuck reaction because I had warned her that I am only around during specific times. I got on the phone and found out that she was asking for the money because she had invited drug dealers into the house and did the drugs only to not have the money for it. With my father listening in on my side of the conversation I had told her to never call me again after telling her no to the bring her money request. I found out later from a neighbor that her roommate eventually kicked her out and she was selling herself out on the street. I felt awful but knew I had made the right choose. I am constantly reminded of times that we all have to be<b> assholes </font></b>to move on with what we are looking for but it never feels good when you first do it. I can not be angry with anyone who does that to me as long as I remember I have done it to others. There is however a difference between having to do that for the better and doing it because you just don’t care. The individual who gets what they want and then treats the person like shit. Those are true asshole for being an asshole all the time. I really hope my friends who know me will slap me if I ever get to that point but don’t believe I will. Well I have rambled on long enough. Share more with you all soon. |
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