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FUCK !!!!! I Was Hurting...........Do all Guys Hate Me?
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FUCK !!!!! I Was Hurting...........Do all Guys Hate Me? Well ...its close to April 1972... I Got hurt by 2 guys, a year older than me........... Is that the life for me? No I could not bare the thought.............I was hurting physically and mentally. Oh God ....what do I do? Can I Survive? Is this it? I can't keep crying........who do I tell? Now I hear the words in my mind. Bloody fag<b>........queer.........</font></b>scum...........dirty bastard. No I can't be...........can I? Do I tell dad.......I hurt......doctors? No its back to me...........a lad........under 16........... I cant go out..............mum says I'm so quiet ... Its hell.....my mind is in turmoil. I tell my parents I hate work. I need to get away from the hate .....I hurt... I cry........Jesus........what do I do? Got to tell bosses I hate college......move me No they can't .......things said by them to me, don't help. Decide.............I need to decide. Tell Dad I am no good at job, that will satisfy I leave .............Dad signs me off .......... Dilemma ....................what now? Wait.......... thats it !!!!! Wait...................not long and find out.............is the world just HATE? 16 years and 2 days. it was a Saturday ........ Dressed in my hidden lingerie, trousers and jacket covers well.... went into Lincoln and to the toilets ....... I know seedy.....but I needed to find out if I was attractive or if I was just a BIG LOSER. I set up in 1 of the toilets. Took off my outer clothes....I was shaking........ Is it to be HATE ? Looking in a stained mirror. I see a pretty young lady .........is that me? Nice in black stockings, bra, suspender belt, 2 inch ladies shoes, and black knickers. I open my bag...........get out 2 inch ladies shoes....black Hearing someone.......I open the door....what am I doing? My need to find out wins. I lean up on the door side..... Things begin to blur with time what exactly happened. Well in the 2 hours on that Saturday i had sexual liaisons with 8 guys...... I remember....4, I wanked off...... 3, I sucked....and the last sucked me off .........he was very nice and kind as were all the others. Some wanted to kiss...that was the first time I had tongues shoved into my mouth..... (still seems strange even now...) I looked into all their eyes ....and for those moments I was with them.......I got the answer I had so dared to dream of. They loved me............not love as I love wife.....but it wasn't dirty or sordid........they didn't force me to do anything I didn't want to ........................unlike sadly weeks previously at college. Their hearts were mine....I saw I had some special effect on them... Sounds so big headed ...............but I don't mean it to be. They all wanted to give me something......I said only so I could buy some supper on the way home and a taxi. Vary amounts 50 pences ...£1 .....£2...... I got £10.50..................total.........didn't look upon it as anything else other than what I had suggested. Then put my over clothes over lingerie after cleaning up and swilling mouth out.... Close to 10 pm went to Broadgate chippy and felt great ......I sat in the back restaurant ...basically alone eating a lovely fish and chips supper ...and my head was spinning. What Had I Achieved? I WAS LOVED..............I Cried with joy in my bedroom after the taxi home. What next? Well I may write about that................. |
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