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Joke Of The Day: Blond guy.
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Joke Of The Day: Blond guy. Joke Of The Day: Blond guy. Joke: Blond And Blue A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co- workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened. So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day. The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack." At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?" "No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in." Blondes Joke: 3 Women Three blondes are stranded on an island. They find a lamp and rub it and out pops a genie. "I will grant each of you one wish" the genie said. The first blonde said that she wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a brunette and swam off the island. The second blonde said that she wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a red-head and built a raft and rowed off the island. The third blonde wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a man and walked across the bridge. Joke Of The Day: Are you tired of those asinine "friendship" poems with decent intentions, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here's a collection of promises that actually speak of true friendship. 1.. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2.. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3.. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid. 4.. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5.. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. 6.. When you are confused - I will use little words. 7.. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8.. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth. Relationship Joke: Cheap Wife A guy comes home at 3 o'clock in the morning. He has obviously had more than his share of booze. His wife meets him at the front door, and the following conversation ensues: "Where in the fuck have you been?" "Hey, mama, I was just out having a good time!" "Well, how much money did you spend?" "Ninety dollars." "WHAT!? Ninety Dollars! You asshole, do you know how long ninety dollars would last me?" "Hmmmm well....ya don't drink...ya don't smoke...ya got yer own pussy .... probably forever!" Redneck Jokes Redneck Joke: Redneck's Birth Control A redneck took his to the Gynocologist. They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"? The father answered: "to get my on birth control, Doc". "Well, is your sexually active?", asked the Doctor. "No", answered the redneck, "she just lays there like her mother". Redneck Joke: Pangs Of Conscience Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience. It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession. The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, "Well, was the pig a male or a female?" "A female, of course," shouted Farmer Brown!. "What do you think I am...some sort of queer?" Redneck Joke: Pa Won't Like It A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" Redneck Joke: Old Copper Lamp A farmer plows up an old copper lamp. He takes the lamp back to his farm house and begins to polish it up when out pops a genie. "Master," says the genie, "I will grant you 3 wishes." The farmer thinks for a bit and then says, "I want a face as handsome as Elvis." "As you wish, master." BOOM! his face transforms into a very handsome face. "Next, I would like you to fill my living room with money," says the farmer. "As you wish, master." BOOM! his living room fills with money. The farmer thinks about his third wish, as he is thinking he looks out the window and begins to grin. "Genie," says the farmer, "Give me 'one' like the up on the hill." The genie also grins, "As you wish, master." BOOM! The farmer looks down to see a huge vagina form between his legs. Joke: Getting Married These three brothers all got married on the same day and all went to the same location for their honeymoon. That evening, they got together without their wives and were bragging about how much shagging they were going to do that night. They eventually came to an agreement that they would use some form of code words the next morning, in front of their wives, to let each other know how they had got on the previous evening. Anyhow, the next morning came, and the three exhausted men were at the breakfast table with their wives. The waiter came over and asked the first what he wanted for breakfast and he replied: "I'll have TWO slices of toast please!" The other two knew what he meant and they subtley smiled to themselves. When the second was asked, he replied: "I'll have THREE slices of toast please!" The third brother at this point subtley smiled again and when he was asked, he replied: "I'll have FOUR slices of white... and THREE slices of brown" Joke: Stolen Car A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake." Joke: Scotch A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender: "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!" Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. "It tastes like piss," he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: "It ish. How old am I?" Joke: Expensive Dish A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu... Broiled Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked Politician: $100.00. The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?" Joke: Argument A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this... When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger? The Wife's Cat A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home. The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there. Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Is the cat there?" "Of course, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions." Joke: Boy & Girl A little boy and a little girl were playing. The little boy exposes himself, and pointing says" my daddy says I have one of these and you don't!". The little girl very upset by this runs crying into the house. A while later, very much settled and content, she comes out. She exposes herself and pointing says "I have one of these, and my mommy says when I get older if I am good, I can have all of those I want!". Magic cream A man had a problem, there was a red ring around his dick. He was really worried so he went to the doctor. The doctor took a good look at it and then after awhile of uming and ering, he said "Well apply this on it and then come and see me in a few days." The man was a bit relieved but was still worried about what would happen to his pride and joy. So that night before bed he applied the cream. Sure enough by the morning the ring had disappeared. He was so happy he went straight to the doctors to tell him the good news. He showed the doctor the ring was gone and the doctor was pleased. The man asked him what the cream was. The doctor replied, "Just lipstick remover." A follow-up visit.... A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls." Joke: At The Counsellor's Office A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me." Joke: World's Toughest Cowboy Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales commences. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.  |
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