|
|
|
|
|    
Cleverly Disquised As A Responcible Adult!!! I'm just a girl with a brain that never sleeps, it's always working nonstop. I am a survivor seeking to be a thriver, a wife, an ex-wife, a lover, a polyamorous bi-sexual, a mother, a step-mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an anima l & nature lover, an open adoption birth mother, an educator, a swinger, a cheater, an abused child and woman, a survivor of that and so many others, always striving not to be the abuser, I need a place to be, to put it all out there, "maybe if it's no longer inside of me it won't keep threatening the life it belongs to". This is my therapy couch. I appreciate you reading, commenting and watching. Thanks for listening or not.
         |
|
|
Traveling Time
|
Posted:Mar 17, 2015 2:28 pm
Last Updated:Mar 22, 2015 12:55 pm
105478 Views
|
March 17, 2015
The traveling is in full gear top speed at this point. I just got home yesterday evening from a 5 day Mommy-cation in Amsterdam. The drive up through Austria and Germany in the Z3 was a thrill! Thursday Lil Bit and I will pack up and head back to Germany to spend the weekend with the Viking. I drove to southern Germany last Sat to have a night with my Viking. The weekend before that I drove to northern Germany for a weekend with him. That was just days after getting back from the 5 days spent traveling back to the states to my mom’s wedding in Fla. We have this weekend as a family. Then a weekend apart. Then the GF, M shows up a couple of days before Easter. She flies out Easter morning as I fly in. I have a few days with him while Lil Bit is off to Adventure Spring Break camp and then we drive back to Italy together. We have 6 weeks and then he’s flying back to the states to see her for a few days, I’ll fly in with Lil Bit to turn her over to her dad for the summer. The Viking, M and I will all sit down and see how well that goes. Then he & I will visit some family and fly home to Italy. We’re heading straight from there to the Czech Reb for our last ditch effort at baby making via IVF. If that doesn’t work we are finished. He’ll leave for his next assignment as soon as we get back from that. I don’t expect to get to see him much if at all for the next year.
The GF, M and I are trying to communicate and start at least a friendship. She seems to need to take things very slowly so I’m trying hard to let her set the pace. I’m sure most of you know that I am failing miserably at that. I just want to get to the nitty gritty and work this all out. I just feel sure if we all got naked in the kitchen we would work this out nicely in a big sweaty pile.
This new relationship has great potential for fabulous things for us all but it all will hinge on how open she really is. I’m all about some sharing and really wonder how rocked her boat will be when she realizes that when I say I’m happy to share him sexually I really mean that. I’d love to have a 3rd that was a bi-female open to a relationship with me as well as my Viking. We already both love him why should it be hard for us to love each other? I’m very interested to see how she reacts to both the Viking and myself pursuing her. I’m curious to see my Viking’s reaction as well. We shall see how the pieces land soon enough.
My Mommy-cation was deeply over shadowed by my emotional distress and turmoil about the poly transition we are in. On a totally different subject we were contacted about possibly meeting another couple not too far from us here in Italy. If they are nice that would be a good distraction for me while the Viking is away for a year. Although the Viking has encouraged me to find other people while he is away part of me simply feels like he’s only saying that so there is less pressure on him to meet the needs he normally does now that he has a new relationship to deal with. I’m not really interested in anyone else right now but I know I need to expand my circle of lifestyle friends here.
I’m really looking forward to some serious time alone with my Viking in a couple of weeks. This past month of being apart and dealing with all of this betrayal and adjustment has been hell. The Viking has been like a spoiled 3 year old with a new toy that he’s only willing to play with his way or the highway. I’m so emotionally ripped apart right now I feel like I could sleep for days. He’s all sweet and loving when I’m sobbing in his arms but the minute I’m not ok with him spending a week alone with her half way around the world then he “Fuck you. You’ll take it the way I want it or lose me.” I don’t deal well with Jekyll and Hyde bullshit. I am and continue to be righteously pissed the fuck off.
I really hope that these next couple of months will be spent with us working to repair all this damage. I’m going to be in therapy working to repair myself and the issues this has dredged up for me. Like I don’t have enough of a hard time keeping all my baggage neatly packed away and stowed. This is the first time in many years that St. Patty’s Day has not been a cause for celebration with a good Irish dinner of corned beef and cabbage. I will have to make that when we return from Germany. So Happy Saint Patrick’s Day. From a lucky plastic Patty from County Clare to all my favorite pervs.
 |
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
Love on a Sex Site Revisited
|
Posted:Mar 8, 2015 4:51 pm
Last Updated:Mar 22, 2015 12:54 pm
105983 Views
|
Love On A Sex Site? Yes It’s Possible.
Late November 2010 I was searching the matches on this wonderful sex site for new FWBs. Sgt. Sugar was about to ship out, I had finally gotten MM out of my bed for good and I wanted to have someone new to play with. I had been separated since March of 2010 and enjoying my time as a single mom. Yes, I actually enjoy being alone, just taking care of my kiddo and animals. I was riding my horses on a regular basis and actually getting to spend time with my family back here in Ga. Bi-women continued to be the mythical unicorns they are named but I did have a few couples I played with from time to time. The man search, even for a good fuck buddy was woefully lacking. There were liars, cheats, stand-ups, a couple of genuine misunderstandings and more lying cheaters. I was not looking for forever, just some good cock and conversation with a decent person. As I scrolled through the matches a lean body with a patch or 2 of red hair caught my eye. The huge cock was a bit scary but I theorized that it was just the camera angle or photo shop that made it look that big. Tall lean men aren’t generally my type but red heads are rare and his profile was funny and smart so I decided to send him an e-mail. I really wish I still had our initial couple of email exchanges. I would love to have them and reread them now. My 1st email to him was a few short sentences and my profile attached. His reply was 2 pages and several pictures. We emailed, chatted and IM’d for a couple of weeks before our schedules gelled enough for us to actually meet a few days before Christmas. We were both instantly smitten.
We spent 3 days together working on a house he was trying to sell and getting to know each other quite well. We marveled at how two people from totally different backgrounds could be so alike and have so much in common. We were both fighting the inevitable attraction and love that was building. Neither of us believed there was any kind of future and we didn’t want to get hurt or hurt the other. We had some amazing times together but tried to keep each other at arm’s length as FWBs. We went on this way until Feb. A crisis on his part made me accept how deeply I felt for him and how special he was to me. For him it was a wake-up call, that I really was his friend no matter what. I love him for who he is and would not judge him. I wasn’t asking him for anything other than friendship, honesty and to enjoy the time we had together.
Things started to change rapidly after that. I was totally honest about my feelings for him but I also convinced myself that I was not the woman he needed or wanted long term. I was just going to enjoy the happiness and love I had with him. I knew that no matter how long or short my time with him was it was going to be the love of my lifetime.
It took him many months to change my mind and make me believe that we could have a future together. We’ve shared some amazing adventures, from scuba diving in the keys, beers in Belgium to driving the Connor Pass in Dingle Ireland. Along the way we just keep discovering how much we have in common. Our trip to Ireland in July was when we decided we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. There was just no way to turn our backs on this incredible gift of love we’ve been given. We are perfect for each other and we complement each other in every way. We both know there isn’t a soul in this world who could love the other more than we do. He moved in when we got back and we kept working out the details of how we would make this work. We actually have a relationship plan written out that we will review at each anniversary. Everything in our relationship has been easy for us or at least it has seemed easy. We’ve spent more time together in the last year than some people spend in a lifetime.
Life has handed us some hard times: his mom passed away tragically in October, we just lost a baby and he’ll be leaving soon for a year away for work. We have a few more adventures before we are separated for a while. We’re getting married in April and I’m traveling to Europe with him again for a few weeks in May. Hopefully, we’ll be able to try for another baby. I’d like to give him his 1st for Valentine’s Day next year when he comes home. I’ve never been happier or more content in my entire life. I never imagined that love could be so deep and wonderful. I have no doubt that our love story will continue for many years to come. No doubt I’ll be writing here, blogging about it.
For all those that believe this is just a sex site, I have to disagree. I have made some of my very best friends here and found the love of my life. Kindred souls will always find each other no matter where they are. Sometimes that love is for a good friend, someone who is going through something you’ve been through or someone you’ll spend the rest of your life with, we just don’t ever know what life will hand us. Take what it gives you and make the most of it.
Happy Valentine’s Day 2012!
Love,
L
Post Valentine’s Day 2015
It has been 3 years since I wrote the blog post above on the sex site where I met my husband. Our relationship started in an open way with each of us free to enjoy sex with others. Of course we had rules and guidelines but we worked through things as our relationship grew and changed. We got married in April 2012. He left for a year of work half a world away a week later. Two weeks after we married I was able to come to Italy with him for almost a month to pick out our house and have a honeymoon before work took him for a year. I went back to Ga while he worked for that year. It was a hard year for us both but we did a great job of keeping in touch and staying connected. For him staying emotionally connected was hard because his normal pattern when working was to totally disconnect from “home”. It always made his job easier to flip the robot switch, get the job done and then come home. I was really proud of him and us for working through that year and coming out stronger and more in love than we started.
While he was gone for work I had a few GF’s that I also had sex with and a couple of BF’s that were mostly sexual but I certainly cared about them. He asked for and I gladly gave him lots of proof to assure him that he was not being replaced or superceded. While he was away for work we had some issues to work through. He admitted to not being honest with me about some sexual encounters prior to leaving. He was afraid of my not truly being willing to walk the walk. We worked our issues and seemed to come out stronger for the work, effort and love we put into our marriage.
He came back the following April moved the Great Dane and parrot to Italy in May while I finished packing up our life in Ga. Living in Italy has been quite an adjustment for us both. We knew we’d have to put our alternative lifestyle on hold while living here because the American community is so small and close knit that he felt it would be too much of a risk for his career. I lost my support network of family and friends that were open minded enough for me to talk about my bisexuality, being poly, our swinging and lifestyle choices. I tried to tap into the local native GLBT community but it is so small and closeted that the language barrier made it impossible. I did eventually make a couple of friends who were open minded enough to at least have someone to talk to when I was upset or in need of a friend but the isolation has been and continues to be a challenge. Despite what people think most Italians do not speak English. There is a decided language barrier and huge cultural differences.
Within a few months of moving here I noticed an emotional disconnect between us that had never been there before. I would point it out and we would try to discover the cause, work towards fixing it and it would seem better for a while then come back. The causes ranged from his dissatisfaction at work, the pressures of trying to conceive, multiple miscarriages, the lack of outside stimulation because we were no longer in the lifestyle, his being gone more often than we expected, my lack of work here, having my with us full time instead of the original half time in the states, less ability to be spontaneous and on and on. Our relationship seemed to have plateaued and there wasn’t much I could do about it without him wanting it to change too.
He thought he’d be doing a fairly regular desk job for the 2-3 years we’re here for. We expected to have lots of time to explore and enjoy each other and Europe together but that was far from the way it worked out. We’ve been here 2 years this May and he’s been gone for work for more than half of that. He’s never been gone for a year at a time like right after we were married but weeks and months sometimes with little notice that he’s leaving. We’ve tried very hard to travel as much as we can together and I often take trips with friends of just my . Being able to travel Europe is something I will always cherish. It has been the experience of a lifetime. We have another year here but he will again be away for work. This time away for the entire year. We’re hoping since he’ll be fairly close that he will be able to come home some for vacations and holidays but it is also possible that this could be another year entirely apart and separated.
Last Valentine’s Day he planned a romantic trip to Portugal for us. We slept in a castle tower, hiked ancient fortresses and spent a full week just loving each other and enjoying the thrill of discovering a new place. We’ve lost 4 babies in the 2 years we’ve been here. With his being gone all the time for work the timing to get pregnant at all is hard but we’ve managed. Each time between 6-10 weeks we lose the baby. The pressure of sex required on certain days and becoming a chore instead of a joy certainly took its toll on our sex life. I’ve gone through more batteries in my sex toys in the last 2 years than I have in the rest of my life combined.
Last fall we agreed to set some goals to work towards making our marriage and sex life more exciting and fulfilling. I felt like we were making slow progress with our small steps. This Valentine’s Day I made us reservations at a lovely little Italian place tucked into the Dolomite mountains but it was obvious his heart wasn’t in it. He had been distracted and snippy for over a month. The conversation over dinner ended with his snide comment that I should just get it over with and read his emails. I told him I would but not when he wanted but on my own time. His invite to read his emails between him and a woman I thought was just a friend explained why his heart wasn’t in us. He was in love with someone else and had hid it from me for almost a year. My very first posts here were about this in detail so I won’t go through it all again. We’re trying to make it work for everyone but especially for us. He’s trying hard to repair the trust he crushed with his choices over the last several months. It will take a lot of time to see how this all plays out.
I’m struggling to shift my paradigm of our relationship from the foundation it was built on of complete openness, honesty, loyalty, trust and love just between us to including other people we love while rebuilding the cracks in our foundation. The accepted parameters of my bi-sexuality, being poly, both of us enjoying the swinging lifestyle to him embracing the idea that he is also poly, still straight and still wanting to be in the swinging lifestyle when we’re able. I’m struggling to understand, accept and move past the betrayal of him not being honest with me as he made the poly discovery. His blatant and repeated lies and deliberate omissions to hide what he was doing. I am having trouble reconciling that behavior with the man I’ve thought I was married to for 3 years. My struggle is not with him being poly it is with the betrayal and having to integrate someone new into our lives while we are fixing this crack in our relationship’s foundation.
I’m not trying to say I don’t have issues to work through with him being poly. I certainly do but they would have been much easier to handle if they were not given to me with a plate of deceit. It is doubly hard to decipher whether the jealousy and fear I’m feeling are due to the new idea and accepting him being poly or from the new person introduced in lies. I’m trying. I’m doing my best and I’m working on me. I’ve put some safety nets in place for myself as we move forward. I’m doing all I can to trust that our relationship is still solid. I have to trust that he’s doing all he can too. That’s all I can do. That and wait to see how his actions match up to his words. Also how his GF’s actions do or don’t match up to hers. Right now she is the great unknown and that scares me.
So that is where I’m at. Waiting and wondering how this new chapter will change my life. Determined to keep loving him and making it work.
 |
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
Restoring Faith and trust
|
Posted:Feb 27, 2015 5:12 pm
Last Updated:Mar 10, 2015 11:08 am
105582 Views
|
Good news! The Viking is willing to be open and honest with me. We are working through our issues and moving forward. I was so afraid he was going to keep stiff arming me but that isn't the case now that we are face to face. I have hope that we can work this out. Thank you all for your support and love.
Kisses,
L
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
Trust broken and Damage untold
|
Posted:Feb 27, 2015 8:32 am
Last Updated:Mar 26, 2015 2:01 pm
105804 Views
|
Trust broken and damage untold
For those of you who don’t know our history let me give a little background. The Viking and I met here on Adult Dating zone back in Dec 2010. We were both ending our 2nd marriages and recovering. For me it was literally love at first sight. The Viking was sowing his wild oats dating about 5 women besides me. I was the only one of the women he was honest with about everything. Despite all the women he was lonely and hurting. I was his friend above all else. Our relationship developed pretty quickly after that. I was and am his emotional safe place. I have seen him at his lowest and held him through it. Neither of us expected or intended to get married but we were committed to each other long before marriage became a necessity.
Our relationship was built on openness, honesty, trust, loyalty and love. We have always had an open marriage. We worked really hard to make the best possible marriage we can. I identify as a bi-sexual poly woman. Up until recently he identified as hetero mono-flexible (swinger) male. My poly seemed to be easy for him to accept and deal with. I have never truly had a poly relationship with a woman or a man while he (or any primary partner) was present. Most of our poly discussions revolved around me having a female partner at some point although relationships with other males was also ok under the boundaries we set for ourselves.
Mostly we enjoyed the swinging lifestyle with me having some ties to other poly people. He thrives on the excitement of sex but claimed he did not feel at all poly. He had never been in an open relationship before and struggled with being totally honest and open with me when it came to other women. We had some rough patches where he lied to me about other women he slept with on multiple occasions. I thought we had worked the issues out and moved on.
While he was away for work for a year I had several poly relationships with other men. That was very hard for him to cope with and he made serious demands and restrictions on how I dealt with the other men in my life. He always had complete and full disclosure during that time. Eventually I ended the other relationships because I felt they were more work than reward and the Viking really didn’t need the additional stress.
We moved to Italy 2 years ago which basically forced us to revert to a monogamous relationship. We did have a couple of swinging experiences but not many. Although living here can be amazing it is also very isolating for me. I have felt there was an unexplained distance and issue in our relationship since we moved but he has not been willing to address it, solve it or work on it.
We’ve also been trying to have a baby for the last 3 years. We’ve had 5 miscarriages all between 6-10 weeks. That also put a major damper on our sex life and feeling like we failed. We have been discussing ending our baby quest but I’m having a hard time letting it go. I just feel in my heart that I wouldn’t be getting pregnant at all if it wasn’t meant to happen at some point. None of the medical tests show anything wrong so I feel we’re free to keep trying.
That brings us up to speed. I am still in shock. I don’t quite feel like my whole world is coming apart anymore but I am still very angry, hurt, worried and fearful. Valentine’s evening at dinner the Viking brought up a woman he’s been friends with for years. The reference he made about her didn’t fit what I knew of their relationship and I questioned it. He got very defensive and said “if you don’t believe me I have nothing to hide just go read my emails”. I was completely shocked by his reaction and puzzled that he seemed to think I had a problem with this woman when I didn’t at all. It has been a week now since I took the Viking’s invite to read his emails. I didn’t tell him I was going to do it. Originally I wasn’t going to read them at all but he left his email account up and open last Wed so I did.
What I found blew my mind in the worst way possible. On the most minor front he fucked some random woman he met in a pub while he was away for work, twice. That pissed me off because there is no reason for him not to tell me when he fucks someone else. There was no emotional attachment, not epic dialogue going on there. Absolutely no reason not to tell me. The rug being pulled out from under me was the months and months of emails back and forth between him and the woman he claimed to just be friends with, professing their love for each other. He told me when we first moved here that she knew we were married. She didn’t. He only told her 3 weeks ago. Still despite knowing he had lied the entire time they were building this affair she decided to pursue it. Telling him that she was not going to be second to anyone no matter what.
I had to find out by snooping in his computer. Yes, he told me I could but I should have heard it from him a year ago or whenever he first started having feelings beyond friendship for her. I can’t tell you how many hours we talked about being poly and how absolutely essential it was to be open and honest. How many times while we were dating that I would tell him, show him that I liked knowing he was having fun with other women. Repeatedly while we were swinging reassuring him that I truly meant what I said about liking to share him. Compersion is a real thing for me. I enjoy him getting joy and thrills even from other people. I would have loved to have been on that initial roller coaster ride of him discovering he loved this woman in addition to me. Instead he lied, hid and betrayed the very foundations of our life together. It made no sense to me other than him changing his mind about us.
I literally trembled and shook from the shock of what I was reading. I could barely control the mouse because my hands were shaking so bad. I thought I was going to pass out even sucking on my inhaler. Why would he lie and hide this from me unless he planned to replace me with her? Everything she said in their emails confirmed my fears.
I called and emailed him telling him he had to come home. He called to see what was wrong. All I told him was that I’d taken his advice and read his emails. He acted like I had nothing to be upset about because he hadn’t fucked her. It was all just words on paper. Of course I wasn’t supposed to be upset about the other woman he fucked either because she wasn’t an emotional attachment. So either way I wasn’t supposed to be upset about what I’d read in his emails. How long would I have stayed clueless if I hadn’t read his emails? How much more would he have done before he told me the truth or if he ever would have?
To his credit he dropped everything at work and came home to talk to me although honestly looking back at it I don’t know why. Yes he said he was sorry and wanted to make amends but they were just words. He offered to end everything with her. I am supposed to have veto power. I didn’t want to do that because I know how painful it is to give up someone you love and haven’t even gotten to explore that with. In return I expected him to actually go back to being my best friend, my partner, my husband.
I had to fly out the next morning going back to Fla for my mom’s wedding. He promised to be completely open with me about the affair from that point on offering me his email passwords. By the time I got to Fla that had all changed. Yeah he sent me the passwords but they didn’t work anymore and he promised the GF that he wouldn’t let me read anymore of her communications to him. He talked to her on the phone, IM’d with her and I’m sure emailed but told me I’d need to wait until Monday (when I was supposed to be flying back) to talk about it all with him. I was furious. Hell, I’m still furious. His attitude was that I could decide to trust him again or go find a divorce attorney while I was there and not come back. We finally did talk on the phone and IM but it was all a circle jerk of him basically telling me I had no choice other than to accept the affair on their (his and GF’s) terms or leave him. He did forward me one set of email communications between them but never answered any of my questions or concerns about what was said in it. He hasn’t offered anyway of even beginning to repair the damage. He doesn’t see the problem apparently. To him nothing has to change because she is only going to see him a couple of times a year and it shouldn’t affect me. He says he’s letting her dictate the terms of their relationship so that she feels like she has some control.
He had to leave to go out of town for work before we got back so I decided to drive up here to where he’s staying this weekend to try to hash some of this out. I don’t know how well it will go. From what I see he feels like he has all the power in our relationship so he can dictate what kind of relationship he has with her, shove it down my throat and I have no choice but to accept it. He says he wants our relationship to be stronger from this but all I see is him choosing her over me. He isn’t acting like my friend, never mind my best friend. His behavior certainly isn’t that of someone who loves and cares about how I feel and what this is doing to me. He used to always say he was my guard dog. Somebody needs to protect me from this guard who is shredding my heart like an old worn out shoe. He claims he’s poly now but this is not how a poly relationship works. Everyone has to be on board and ok with how the new relationship affects the other partners. One person isn’t supposed to be forced to accept whatever the 2 other people decide without a say. Even in a strict primary/secondary the secondary has the option of not getting involved.
He’s known this was going to shatter my trust in him for months but has he done any research into how to make this easier for me? Has he looked into how he can make sure as the hinge that he is being fair to us both? Has he done anything at other than talk to make me feel like I’m still important? No and the talking he’s doing is just making me realize even more that for whatever reason I’m no longer a priority never mind the most important person in his life. I don’t know when or how that happened but I’m devastated.
He’s asking me to trust him but refuses to give me any reason to. How can I trust him when he tells me she gets to decide how this works? How do I trust him when he’s told me to go get a divorce attorney if I don’t like it? How does he expect to be a team again when I have no clue what is going on? Everything is his way or no way at all. That isn’t trust that is living under a tyrant perhaps a benevolent tyrant but a tyrant all the same. That is not anyway to live and I damn sure don’t deserve to be treated that way.
I wish I had high hopes for this weekend but I think he expects to fuck me into oblivion and not have to deal with any of the hard stuff. His GF is coming over here in a couple of weeks. That was actually my suggestions because I feel like the longer they can hide behind the “we haven’t even fucked” thing the less likely he is to deal with the underlying issues. Frankly, I suspect I maybe turning around tonight and driving back home. If you believe in prayer say one for me because I need all the strength and courage I can get right now. I have never felt so alone and betrayed in my entire life. For those of you who know my history you know that’s quite a statement. I put my heart and soul in this relationship with him and feel like it’s just been used for a door mat.
 |
|
|
6
Comments
|
|
Thank you sweet pervs!
|
Posted:Feb 24, 2015 5:47 pm
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2015 6:05 am
104334 Views
|
This past week has been really tough for me. As most of you could tell from my last post the Viking hurt me quite badly by doing something supremely stupid with absolutely no cause. The ripples of this will effect us and our relationship for years. He and I will work through it but I will be stitching back pieces of the trust and faith I had in him for a very long time. I'm sure I'll purge the whole story from my system at some point in the future but for now I just wanted to thank everyone who reached out to me in love, sympathy and concern. I really needed that and so many of you left such sweet comments for me to help me heal and keep moving forward with love in my heart. It truly means so much to me to read your loving comments and offers of support. I am a positive person by nature and having your support helps me get my happy feet back underneath me.
I apologize for not answering everyone individually yet. I will get to it I promise. I have been gone most of the last week traveling back to the states for my mom's wedding with Lil Bit. With the snow in the NE we had to drive 15 + hours each way on top of 12 hours of flying each way. 50 hours of travel in 5 days is a bit much even for me and I do love to drive and travel. I'm glad I got to go and really happy I got to see some of my family but sad that I missed seeing many family and friends that are like family.
I just had to share more of my photo shoot with you all to say thanks. I really love these pics. Stay strong and love each other well. I will be back to write more. I'm going to need you my friends to sort all of this out.
Kisses,
L
 |
|
|
5
Comments
|
|
Tomorrow is just another day.
|
Posted:Feb 18, 2015 12:03 pm
Last Updated:Mar 27, 2015 4:14 pm
104817 Views
|
Tomorrow will be just another day.
Sometimes I really hate being right.
I hate knowing that I should have trusted my gut and not my guy.
I’m not new to feeling betrayed or the fear of being swept aside.
New and shining will always come along.
We were supposed to build a love that might tarnish but would stay strong.
Honesty, truth, respect and openness tenants of a foundation strong.
All forgotten for foolish pride and the thrill of the ride.
How do you rebuild trust?
How do I share what obviously isn’t mine to give?
When the one who kept your nightmares at bay is now making them stay,
What is there to say?
How deep is this well of forgiveness?
Because I already know there is no forget.
How many “I thought I told you and It was Nothing”’s?
How much more do I have to take?
Before I have to shut the door or watch it disintegrate?
I will not break. I’ve survived things that pale in this wake.
But I shouldn’t have to keep hurting, keep fighting for what I thought was mine.
I am made of sterner stuff that than but I can stop loving.
I’m giving my all, way past the fall.
At some point my heart will take no more, I already know I don’t need it to survive.
You say I’m insecure.
No I’m not insecure I know I’m the best you could have.
I am wounded. I am betrayed. I am scared of how much more of this I can take.
There is no out. I’m all in for life but my heart doesn’t have to be there for that.
My feet will keep marching on.
My brain will continue to find a way to matter for those in my world.
Love will find a way no matter what else I say.
Tomorrow will be just another day.
"Silver Springs"
You could be my silver springs
Blue green colors flashin'
I would be your only dream
Your shining autumn, ocean crashing
And did you say she was pretty
And did you say that she loves you
Baby, I don't wanna know
I'll begin not to love you
Turn around, see me runnin'
I'll say I loved you years ago
Tell myself you never loved me, no
And did you say she was pretty
And did you say that she loves you
Baby, I don't wanna know
Oh, no
And can you tell me was it worth it
Really, I don't wanna know
Time casts a spell on you, but you won't forget me
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me
[Instrument solo]
Time casts a spell on you, but you won't forget me
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me
I'll follow you down til' the sound of my voice will haunt you (on 3rd time
Stevie oversings, was I such a fool?
You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you
[3x]
You could be my silver springs
My blue green colors flashin'
Photos are from a professional Boudoir shoot I had done for my Viking. He's been too preoccupied to bother looking at them all. Enjoy. Someone should.
|
|
|
6
Comments
|
|
Merry Christmas to all my pervy friends!
|
Posted:Dec 25, 2014 1:44 pm
Last Updated:Feb 18, 2015 11:56 am
116229 Views
|
I hope that all my Adult Dating zone friends have a very Merry Christmas! Sorry no naked pics as I've been sick for a few weeks and definitely not feeling sexy. I'll try to get some new pics posted soon. Take care and love each other well. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from Italy.
Kisses,
L
|
|
|
6
Comments
|
|
Dry Docked Until Further Notice
|
Posted:Dec 15, 2014 1:27 pm
Last Updated:Jan 5, 2015 1:03 pm
118659 Views
|
Yep that’s me, dry docked until further notice. We’ve been supremely busy since I last checked in here. Climbing out of the abyss is nasty dirty work and not without a few setbacks. When we are both climbing out together can be twice as nasty. No doubt we are both climbing out and I’m probably lagging well behind my Viking.
We spent 5 nights/6days in Romania on a whirlwind Steps of Dracula tour through the country. All three of us went for a whole family vacation. We had a blast partying in Hunyad Castle on Halloween night and trekking the streets where Vlad grew up.
Two days after we got back from Bucharest, Romania I rented a friend’s 1997 BMW Z3 and drove from here to Amsterdam. A female friend rode with me but she doesn’t drive. We stayed in Amsterdam for 5 nights and drove back the 6th day. It was a fabulous trip. Getting to drive a fast sports car on the Autobahn all the way through Germany was one of the my Bucket-list items. It was a blast checking it off. Big bonus thrill when I got back and my friend told me they were interested in selling the car I rented.
The Viking had to leave for a work trip while I was still in Amsterdam but he was only gone a week which was really nice. The weekend after he came home, he and I joined a small group of 6 other people for an overnight trip to Florence. A friend who does cooking classes here organized it. He’s Italian and Brazilian. I didn’t realize until we went on the trip with him that the Viking knew him. We had a great time.
I got really good news right before Thanksgiving when the non-profit I started got approved to operate here officially. Things shifted into high gear with that and the holidays coming. Thanksgiving was an awesome relaxing long weekend. The Viking surprised me by buying the Z3 for me for Christmas! The day after Thanksgiving we got to pick up the BMW. The weather has been crappy for weeks so I didn’t get to put the top down at all. I spent the week falling in love with my Christmas present. This was a big level up.
Then last Saturday I wrecked it. Nothing I could do, I wasn’t speeding at all. In fact I was being deliberately cautious because of the weather and it being early in the morning. The old man in front of me entered a patch of fog. It wasn’t even that big a patch. I could see out the other side of the patch of fog as we came over the bridge but when he entered the fog he slammed on his breaks. When I hit mine the car started sliding. I think he slammed on brakes because there was water on the road. He made it through but I slid. I remember trying to regain control of the car, seeing the poles zooming towards me and I thought; “This is going to be ugly.” Everything slowed down to a frame per second type of viewing. I remember seeing the pole go by and waiting for an impact that didn’t come. My angels were watching over me because the car slid neatly between 2 poles with only about 4 inches of clearance on either end. It slid down a small embankment, popped the rear tire on the concrete drainage cover and stopped a few feet into an empty muddy corn field. The front grill/bumper assembly was cracked and off as was some of the plastic wheel wells or undercarriage. Otherwise, that baby started right back up. I tried to drive it out but when the wheels spun I just gave up. I was totally deadly calm. Everything was still happening in slightly slower than normal time frame but I knew when the adrenaline wore off I was going to be a wreck. I called the Viking. By some miracle he had his phone turned on and heard it from upstairs. He got me the numbers to call and get things in motion to get my broken Christmas present towed. The tow truck driver was a sympathetic Z3 lover who was able to drive it out no problem. Lots of Italians stopped to check on me but none of them called the police. Dealing with the Italian police is much nicer than dealing with Italian hospitals of course having an interpreter makes a big difference too. Police encounters being less traumatic than hospitals probably is not a good thing to know or repeat. The repair shop that towed it hadn’t even looked at it last week so there’s no telling how long it will be before it is actually fixed. Not helpful in the climb out for either of us.
Lil Bit has been being lazy at school and not doing her homework, driving me insane trying to make her keep up with her work. She just finished performing in the Christmas show. I didn’t do it this year and it’s a good thing because I’m sick and would have had to miss the last 2 performances. As it was I was able to get through the non-profits Secret Santa Paws party yesterday before I got super sick. I got the food for the theatre cooked and the Viking took it for me.
Now the crunch is on to get packed for our Christmas vacation in Rome and pray that it isn’t Christmas with the Cranks. Cuddling up on the couch or in the recliner with one of the 2 fur babies, hot raspberry tea with lemon and honey or hot coco, a fuzzy blanket and a good book sounds great until you add in that I’m sick, have no voice or a car to go anywhere if I felt like it. My best friend from high school just announced she’s pregnant with number 4, an unplanned surprise. She always wanted a big family. We just want 1 together. The Viking got his chromosome report back and all was good. If mine is the same then we are back to nothing wrong here just keep trying or give up.
We got some news about what the Viking will be doing for the next year or so but no definite news for us. The fact that we won’t be together is really upsetting. If we get to stay here we will see each other once every few months so it won’t be so bad but if we have to move back to the states we won’t see each other at all which will suck donkey dick and pretty much forces our hand about ending our baby seeking journey.
I’ve figured out what has to be done to move our very difficult 1 pound African Grey parrot. No it isn’t his size that makes the process hard it is his species. Almost all medium to large parrots are on an international treaty that regulates the movement of any species on a list of endangered species in their native habitat. So even though this African Grey was born and hand raised in the US we still have to go through the same process. We do get an abbreviated process since we have his paperwork from taking him out of the country. To go back to the states he has to have 2 separate permits, be inspected by 2 separate US government veterinarian officials, tested and retested in 30 days for 2 diseases at a cost of over $500 to just one of the government agencies. What a racket?!
I hope that all my favorite pervy people had a fabulous turkey day and will have a fabulous holiday! Take care and love each other well.
Kisses,
L
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
Smiles of the Abyss
|
Posted:Nov 12, 2014 12:28 pm
Last Updated:Dec 15, 2014 1:23 pm
122668 Views
|
Smiles of the Abyss
My Rock at my shoulder
A wand in her hands
We see tiny fingers & toes on tiny hands & feet
But nothing is a flutter
It is happening once again
And the Abyss smiles
Empty words and phrases
Nothing to be done
No one has the answers of why another one
Gone under again to come back empty and cold
Again the Abyss smiles
Only wanted when unavailable
Or on a table for fellow freaks
No shelter for my crazy
Or breaks from this reality
And again the Abyss smiles
Thousands rotting someplace far away
But they want to send my love
As if we’ve still got dues to pay
When will I feel safe again
When will his arms stay
When will we return to our sanctuary
Fighting a paperwork jungle
Against a sea of greed
Struggling through an ocean
Of other people’s need
The Abyss smiles
Yes, but I always smile back.
LA 09/15/14
|
|
|
5
Comments
|
|
Recovery from recurrent heartache
|
Posted:Oct 24, 2014 2:05 pm
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2014 6:50 am
125407 Views
|
We lost the baby on 9/10/14 and I went into the local Italian hospital for a D&C on 9/11/14. The ultrasound that day showed the baby had stopped developing between 8-9 weeks, just 1 week after I’d seen the OB the time before. We did all the necessary intake blood work, paper work and anesthesiology work up that same day so I could just come back early the next morning for the procedure. I was very lucky that the Viking was able to be home with me for that. Work had been trying to ship him back out from the minute he got home at the beginning of September.
Let me tell you that having even a routine procedure in a foreign hospital is a scary fucking experience. I’ve had 4 other similar procedures done over the years back in the states in both hospitals and outpatient clinics so I knew what to expect from the surgery, anesthesia and recovery. Although the Viking was there with me the intake nurse and staff sent him on a wild goose chase to find the patient liaison while I was being admitted and prepped. They wouldn’t listen to the student nurse who spoke English and was translating for me to tell the intake nurse that all of the paperwork had already been done the day before. I didn’t see my Viking again until after I came out of surgery. There is no way to prepare for the fear when you are being wheeled into an OR theater with no paperwork and no one around you that speaks English. I was on the OR table spread eagle, half naked telling them they were not going to do anything without my paperwork and someone who spoke English before the surgeon showed up with my paperwork and anesthesiologist showed up to translate since he spoke some English. I had to fight with the nurses and Dr to be released in the 4 hours that they said I would. They wanted to keep me in a room with 3 other Italian women for an entire day. No once did the patient liaison that is supposed to be with an American thorough out any procedure check on me or come by. Nor did they call to see how I was recovering. All the discharge paperwork was in Italian and I was given no instructions on recovery expectations. I feel sorry for any woman who has to go through that without prior knowledge of what to expect or the support of a family member. Needless to say I do not have any desire to ever see the inside of an Italian hospital again.
Physically the recovery was easy, emotionally it was very hard to deal with. Thank God I didn’t have to go through it alone. The Viking was there for me and held me on the many nights I cried and railed about how unfair it all is. I guess in some ways these loses are things you never get over. You just learn to move forward, which is what we’re doing.
The Dr.’s don’t have any answers as to why the miscarriages keep happening at the same point of development. We have one set of tests left, chromosomal mapping for us both. If those tests don’t show anything then we will just be one of the 55-60% of recurrent miscarriage cases that have no known medical cause. There aren’t any other tests to do and they won’t send us to a fertility specialist since we have no problem getting pregnant. We aren’t interested in adopting or a surrogate so this may well be the end of our baby making journey. Right now we are pretty resigned to not having a baby. The Viking is more than ready to quit trying at all. I think it was easy for him to revert back to not wanting a since that was his original stance on having a baby together. For me that transition back to being ok with no more is really hard.
My entire life I have survived and thrived by exerting my will power over circumstances that seemed impossible. I have pounded the universe with my stubbornness until I got what I wanted. With this there is no forcing things to go my way, there is nothing I can do to change the outcome of these pregnancies. I’ve done everything I possibly can and followed all the medical advice. Saying I quit, that I can’t do this is not in my nature but I have to let this go or it will poison the most important relationship and love of my life.
We’ve talked about it and at this point I’m using material things to convince myself that not having a baby isn’t a bad thing. I’m taking a trip to Amsterdam and we are looking for a sporty BMW to buy. I’m finally starting to lose some of the baby weight and can get back into my fat jeans. I’m still working on getting back into a workout routine to really get back in shape. On the positive side I’ve had tons to keep me occupied and my mind off of the loss.
I started a new non-profit organization here to help families moving in and out of the community with pets since there is no transportation option for pets bigger than cats. There is only one shuttle bus to one airport and the only way pets can be on it are if their carriers fit inside the bus on the seats or under them. Tons of families have to fly into and out of other airports and have bigger pets so there was a serious need for something like this. The lack of good information on what it takes and costs to get your pets here is atrocious too and that is another thing we are working on. We’re on the last step to have garrison approval. We’ve already helped several families with pick-ups and drop-offs plus offering a reliable source of accurate information for them to help get here. I’m proud of what we’ve accomplished since the end of August and hope that I can get the organization up and running well enough to survive even if we move in the spring. I’m confident that I chose a great VP and that she will be able to step into my position fairly easily. The treasurer is also a gem but there will need to be more great people willing to fill their positions plus volunteer if the organization is going to thrive.
Our time here in Italy is drawing to a close. We may only have 6 months left and that makes me very sad. With all the places we visited and things we’ve done I know we have only scratched the surface of all the wonders around us. I love it here and I love the life we have built here. We are always finding new things to do and see. I’m still hoping that we will get our year plus extension but we have another few months to wait before we have any news on that. In the meantime I’ve started the process to get the parrot back. The dogs won’t be too hard and don’t need all the prior prep that the bird does. The bird had to be inspected by the US Fish and Wildlife on the way out but on the way back he has to have 2 separate inspections on top of all the paperwork. Major ass pain.
I was in another play at the local theater, Absolute Laughter was tons of fun. Being surrounded by fun loving people was a big help while going through another miscarriage. I decided not to do the Christmas musical because of the amount of rehearsals involved and I know there will be a play to audition for in January. I would be entirely too burnt out if I did the Christmas show and then the comedy in Jan so I’m sitting out.
Lil Bit is doing the Christmas show if she can keep up with her school work. Right now she is grounded because she hasn’t been able to turn in her homework and some class work on time resulting in her having F’s for a few weeks. She’s brought those up to C’s now but will remain grounded until we get back from our next vacation so I can see if she can follow through on getting any of that work down on time. She’s too interested in the social aspect of hanging out with her friends and boys. She dropped out of track and speech and debate but still has the Christmas show, voice lessons, pottery lessons starting in Nov and a Smart Girls group on Fridays. The youth center here for the middle schoolers is like a night club for . They have a central area that is like a dinner or sports bar with snacks, drinks, pool tables, air hockey tables with booths and high top tables to hang out. They have a computer lab, a homework lab, a gym, a rock climbing wall, a kitchen for cooking classes and a locker room. It is no wonder that she’d rather hang out there with her friends than go to speech and debate or track. Until her grades are back to A’s & B’s there will be no going anywhere other than Academic Success (tutoring basically), rehearsals and voice lessons. She’s still in therapy but he only sees her once a month now that he thinks she’s finding a better equilibrium. For the most part she loves being in Middle School but it is harder and she is supremely lazy. She tried using the “it’s too hard” excuse but to no avail so hopefully she will buckle down now and get her school work done so she can enjoy her free time. We’ll see.
We went back to Munich for the opening weekend of Oktoberfest in mid-September. The Viking had never made it to the authentic Oktoberfest so despite the shitty rainy weather and being stuck in a 2 room cabin for 4 days we had a good time. We took Buster with us and that made the trip much more fun. He enjoyed his trips out especially to the English Gardens. I’m really glad the Viking got his authentic Oktoberfest experience.
Since last year Halloween here was overrun by stampeding rude obnoxious Italian locals we decided back in July to take a trip to visit Dracula’s castles. We’re spending 5 days in Romania on an authentic Dracula tour through Transylvania. We’re all excited. We will visit 4 or 5 castles from the one Dracula grew up in to one he was a prisoner in. We’ll have a costume party and stay overnight Halloween night in one of the most haunted castles in Europe. We will tour Bucharest the first and last days we’re there. The exchange rate is great for us so I’m looking forward to some fun shopping.
Most of all I’m looking forward to us getting back because 2 days after we get back I’m renting a Z4 BMW Roadster from a good friend and driving to Amsterdam for 6 days of mommy-cation with another GF. I’m not sure if I’m more excited about the drive up and back in that hot little speedster or having 5 days to chill and relax in Amsterdam. Not having to fly is a major bonus!
We were supposed to have several visitors from the states this fall and winter but so far the only person to visit has been my Uncle who was only here for work for a couple of days. It was nice to see him and hang out for that one night but he didn’t even get to see the house. My mom and her fiancé (soon to be husband number 6) say they’re coming in Feb since they couldn’t for Thanksgiving but I will believe that when I see it. I can’t believe that we will have been here for 2 years and never had anyone come visit us. I know flights aren’t cheap but considering that is really the only expense anyone coming to see us would have it is unreal.
We’re heading back to Rome for Christmas. We’ve rented the same house that we had this summer and will be taking Buster there again. I’m still trying to figure out how to keep the Christmas spirit while being on vacation. We’ll see how it goes.
Physically the Viking is still dealing with issues with his back. He’s struggling with accepting that it is never going to be the way it was. Unfortunately there’s not rythme or reason to when his back goes out. There’s just movement that shouldn’t be and will only continue to get worse. I know how hard it is to accept that your body is broken and will never be able to do some of the things you used to do. I’ve had to do it twice already in my life with my lower back and then again with my neck and sometimes I still have to be reminded of what I can’t do with my neck.
I wish I had some great sex to report but unfortunately our sex life has been pretty non-existent for many months. I had hoped that after the miscarriage it would go back to a more normal level of fucking a few times a week but I’m lucky if we fuck once every week or two and even then it isn’t the marathon sex we used to have on a regular basis. My rabbit runs through batteries every few weeks and frankly I’ve just become accustomed to taking care of myself when I need it. I’m tired of chasing, cajoling and begging for sex and just decided he’ll fuck me if he wants to and if not then I have a rabbit.
I worry about the adjustment when we go back to the states. He’s going to be surrounded by all the shiny pretty new toys that he hasn’t been able to play with for the last 3 years but I’m not going to be willing to share until I’m getting what I need at home and that may lead to some major adjustment issues. I have zero desire to fuck another man and doubt that is going to change much just because our geographical location changes. He can’t wait to be able to share me again. Getting back into the lifestyle is going to be much harder than it was adjusting to being out of it. I know we’ll deal with it and do whatever it takes to keep our love strong but that doesn’t stop me from worrying.
My fire is dying and I need more Bellini in my glass so I’m going to say Buona Notte for now. I hope you are all well, happy and loving each other like you deserve. Be happy and know I miss you all.
Kisses,
L
(Former Nympho)
PS
The pic is from the play. I was the excentric romantic actress aka one of 2 stage sluts in the skit "Oh my God It's another play" which was a spoof on the whole experience of acting in a play.
 |
|
|
7
Comments
|
|
Tapestry of Life
|
Posted:Aug 14, 2014 3:48 pm
Last Updated:Dec 15, 2014 1:22 pm
138044 Views
|
Tapestry of Life Weaves Along
I don’t really feel drawn here much anymore. I still feel like I need my place to write but after over a year of pretty much being absent from the lifestyle I feel out of place here somehow. Like my life has just become too normal and mundane to pour out here. Honestly, there are very few parts of the lifestyle I miss. I miss the fun or going to parties with my Viking, seeing the pride and excitement in his eyes when he shared me. I miss my GF’s the most and not having the opportunity to have that bond of sexuality with another woman. I miss the friendship of other couples in the lifestyle whether we were active or not. I miss being able to be open about my sexuality and our relationship. I don’t miss the boy toys or the late nights in strange beds. I certainly don’t miss wondering if there is a new “other” woman. I have no desire for other men anymore aside from the desire to please my Viking by being shared. I’ve adjusted to our lack of playtime and playmates more easily than I expected although I don’t know why since I have always prided myself on being supremely adaptable. I can be happy in almost any setting. That isn’t always a good thing since often it has lead me to stay in bad situations for longer than I should have. Life here is incredible and continues to amaze me.
I’ve gotten used to driving like an Italian. I just flip the crazy NY driver switch in my head to turbo boost with steroids get in the car and drive life I own every fucking road. Funny thing about Italians is that they are loud and boisterous but don’t truly like confrontation. When confronted with what Americans consider minor road aggression they will stay away like you have pointed a loaded gun at them. So I know if they really piss me off I’ll just roll down my window and start screaming. If I opened a car door to exit the vehicle they would probably abandon their cars and flee on foot to avoid the psycho American ready to kill them. One of my Italian friends tells me I am a “very scary” American which I find hilarious since I’m all of 5 feet tall and 150 lbs. Never the less it certainly comes in handy, now if only I had a car capable of driving as well as I am. My Viking got me a gift certificate to drive a Ferrari or Lamborghini for my bday but since we aren’t going back to the states where I would renew my international driver’s license I’m not sure I’ll actually get to use it. He’s looking forward to getting to see my inner speed demon released. He had no idea I had it in me and thinks it is funny. I think he deliberately lets me drive so he can watch me and the Italians reactions when they realize it is a tiny American woman driving like Mario Andretti (sp?).
A few recent hilarious “You know you’re in Italy moments”: every road construction crew has a token female worker in daisy duke cut-off jeans, skimpy tank top and full make-up, salon hair and her steel toe work boots and hard hat. Not to leave the ladies out the same work crews generally have at least one stud muffin in a speedo, safety vest, steel toed boots and hard hat. Although sometimes the stud muffin is less studly than we’d like. The entire month of August is vacation for all Italians. Most things close up for the month. At midnight on July 31 the autostrada and all gas stations on it turned into roadside carnivals of Italians on mass exodus for vacation. I know I was stuck coming home from Milan for almost 4 hours. The only consolation was that they were all in a good mood because of vacation. Italian pharmacies don’t care what your history is they just give you whatever the Dr writes with no questions asked. If you have a deathly allergic reaction, too bad. They don’t ask about allergies or even verify that you are who you say you are.
I went back into therapy a while ago and perhaps that is part of the reason I haven’t felt the need to purge myself here as much. I stay busy even when I’m home alone with no plans like today. Our summer didn’t turn out the way we’d planned it at all. Actually with the Vikings job things rarely turn out as planned. Seems they are constantly changing our plans do to their lack of planning ahead. There is no truth to “lack of planning on their part doesn’t mean an emergency on ours” for us it is always too bad you have plans. We don’t have a fucking clue what we need so we’ll wait until the last minute to figure it out cancel your life put it on hold and we’ll get back to you when it is convenient.
The Viking was originally supposed to be gone all summer only coming home a few days after his nieces and nephews arrived for several weeks. That changed when he hurt his back while out of the country on a mission. An unseen bone fragment from an earlier injury moved and passed through a major nerve root in his back. He was in tremendous pain for weeks but over time his body reabsorbed the fragment and the nerve seems to be healing well. The up side to all of that was we had much more time together this summer than we originally thought. We had a few weeks of enjoying time alone together. We took the motorcycle out, went to several concerts, a few short trips and made plans to go back stateside for my family reunion and to check on things there.
We only had one of the 3 nieces and nephews and it turned into a very stressful 3 weeks of visiting at least for me. I do not deal well with ungrateful brats. Three weeks of our lives spent carting her around to Germany, Marostica and Venice and not once did she say please, thank you or express an opinion. She would walk through a room I was sitting in and never speak, walk into our upstairs and bathrooms without knocking. By the time she left I was a wreck. Her mom’s answer is she’s shy and was uncomfortable saying thank you. She’s fucking 16 and can’t decide what to eat or drink without multiple prompts about making a decision, can’t say thank you to family members spending thousands to make sure she has a good time. What the fuck is up with that? As an educator and someone with 14 younger cousins I have NEVER known a that indecisive or socially awkward. If that is truly the case and not actually what I think of being a brat who uses “I’m shy” as an excuse to be rude then she needs some professional therapy big time before the big bad world gets a hold of her.
On top of her we were sitting the Husky from Hell and I found out I was pregnant again. Talk about stressing out. There is no American OB/GYN provider here anymore so we have to be referred out onto the Italian system which was a hassle to start with. It took weeks of fighting with the American system before I was finally seen by the Italian OB who is handling all the Americans who are pregnant here. So far the OB seems ok. We’ve already run into some cultural differences that are annoying. Things that back home I’d just find another Dr that was willing to do what I wanted here I have to choose very carefully which battles to fight because I don’t have a choice in providers. It is this Dr or go to another American provider over an hour away who has the option to deny me care because I’m very high risk. I have to deal with this woman and this system for another 33 weeks if we’re lucky. So far things are fine. We’re at 7 weeks and the baby has a heartbeat which is further than we have gotten with the last 3 we have lost. I’m on Dr’s orders to take it easy, everything short of total bed rest and no sex for weeks. She has me on progesterone daily and it is making me extremely exhausted. Luckily the Viking is gone until the end of the month and so is Lil Bit. With no one here but the dogs and bird it is easier to just veg.
We’re keeping our fingers and toes crossed that this baby is a fighter and will stick it out. The Viking says this is it. Either it works or we’re done and as much as I hate to admit defeat I have to agree that it is time to give up if this doesn’t work. The stress of trying has taken a major toll on our sex life and the heartbreak of either not being pregnant or losing the babies is more than either of us wants to keep going through. With the perpetual change in plans the Viking’s job keeps making if something happens I’ll be dealing with a hospital stay for another lost baby in a foreign hospital alone trying to figure out how to take care of my , 2 dogs and a bird. I know I can’t keep going through this alone. I just don’t have it in me. We’re both very stubborn, strong willed and used to accomplishing any and everything that we set our minds to. It is frustrating to us both because we’ve had all the tests for us both and there should be no issues. What will be will be but we tend to make what we want happen and this is one time we can’t.
We aren’t telling most people yet. We want to wait until we are past that 10-12 week danger zone before really going public. Of course my best GF back home knows, my favorite Aunt and the 2 cousins I have that are either trying to get pregnant or struggled to have the 1 baby she has. Here there are a lot more people I’ve had to tell just to be sure I have enough people on call in case I have to go to the hospital in the middle of the night, or had to tell to explain why I’m not available to work or volunteer for the things I normally do. If everything goes well we’ve decided to tell Lil Bit just before she comes home since there’s no way I can hide it from her once she’s here with the multiple appointments and meds I’m on. I go back for another appointment at 11 weeks which should tell us much more about how things are progressing.
A couple of days before we were getting ready to head back home for a couple of weeks the Viking’s work tells him he’s got to leave for over a month. No trips for us. In the end it worked out for the best since my Dr was adamant that there be no major travel for me. She wasn’t even happy about me driving back and forth to Milan several times to the airport and to visit family that was there for work. So I’ve been home vegging, catching up with lady friends here and missing my Viking terribly. We still have more than 2 weeks before he’s home again. I’m homesick, worried and bored silly. I try to stay busy but there’s only so much I can get done when I have to sleep 14 plus hours a day and have very little energy. Three of us ladies did tube the local river one day last week. I’ve made some fabulous homemade eggplant parm/lasagna, stuffed zucchini and today quiche (all things the Viking and Lil Bit won’t eat).
The news of Robin William’s suicide was a surprising blow to me. I never get upset about celebrity deaths but I cried for days over his losing his battle with the abyss. He has always been a hero of mine because of his willingness to talk so candidly about the things he struggled with in his life. I identified with him in so many ways as did so many other people. He was such a caring loving person who was constantly using his fame to help other people and champion causes that were near and dear to my heart. I loved every movie, stand-up routine and interview I ever saw with him. He was a beacon for so many of us who struggle with depression and mental illness to keep fighting the abyss with laughter, joy and love for others. It just breaks my heart that in the end he could not manage to reach out for all that love he gave to us anymore. I’d like to hope that his story will bring more awareness of the struggles with mental illness and addiction but I think it will just die away and be forgotten. I know one thing, Heaven just got a hell of a lot funnier. I pray he’s found the peace that eluded him while bringing us so much joy and laughter.
We had managed to have some “good ole days” super-hot sex during some of our alone time. We even got some pics in a hotel room in Trieste after the John Fogerty concert got rained out. How could we not take pics after being fucked on the glass coffee table…lol…so here are a few of those pics for your viewing pleasure and as a thank you for reading despite my lack of spice and sex to report.
I hope life is treating all of my friends here well. Take care and love each other well.
 |
|
|
8
Comments
|
|
Nympho on the Couch
|
Posted:May 19, 2014 2:09 pm
Last Updated:Aug 14, 2014 3:44 pm
153507 Views
|
Back to the therapy couch that is my blog
Life here in idyllic Italy has been hectic for many months now to say the least. I’ve been battling a sinus infection turned sore throat and ear infection all week. I really haven’t had a chance to slow down since the rehearsals for the Christmas musical started in Oct. I love being active in the theatre but it is time for a break. The Christmas musical ended and I started a 3-4 month long term substitute job. Two weeks into that, auditions for Sweet Charity and rehearsals. Before Sweet Charity ended Lil Bit was auditioning for Lil Mermaid Jr. My long term sub job ended the day after the last show of Sweet Charity. Three days after Sweet Charity ended we left for a week long cruise. Three days after the cruise a GF (not that kind of GF unfortunately) and I had a 5 day Easter-Mommy-cation in Amsterdam. Lil Bit had 3 shows this weekend then we’re done. Since I’ve been helping do make-up I am still there for every single performance except last Friday. Now that this is done we are taking a break. Lil Bit still has track for a few weeks and voice lessons once a week but that may all end if she doesn’t straighten up and fly right.
Amidst all of this the Viking has had 7 or 8 trips to Africa for work. He left a little over a week ago again for several months. I had a mini photo shoot with the cash he had to take with him…lol…which is your reward for visiting.
This strange feeling of being isolated yet loving the life I have continues. It is really an odd discontinuity and I’m still struggling to find some solution. I finally got an appointment for Lil Bit to see a therapist other than the counselor at her school I had been talking to. Her behavior and attitude continue to deteriorate and I’ve reached my limits. I’m also going to see someone but feel like the only thing I can really talk to this therapist about is the issue with Lil Bit and my past which isn’t much of an issue for me anymore. The rest of my issues are tied to our lack of being able to practice our preferred lifestyle and the feelings of isolation and hiding that brings with it. I’m afraid to talk about anything that could be used against us in this venue which isn’t really very helpful.
To help increase that feeling of isolation the only GF I had made here that I was able to truly be myself with flew out today moving back to the states. I cried my eyes out saying goodbye to her on Sunday. I’d only known her since the Christmas musical but we bonded quick and had a fabulous time together in Amsterdam. She didn’t share my deviant proclivities but she accepted them and didn’t judge me for anything.
The Viking and I had a long heart to heart about some issues before he left. We are both so frustrated and infuriated with the difficulty of trying to get pregnant. We talked about our lack of sex other than trying to get pregnant and my feeling like I was the only one putting in the effort. I’ve had all the fertility tests that I can here so until he has the few they can do on him we can’t move forward or get any other answers or referrals. I wonder if we didn’t spend enough time doing our typical cost/benefit analysis before we decided to try and that has led to a change of heart. We had the most perfect timing just before he left so if I’m not pregnant this time then I am convinced that something else is wrong.
It is hard to believe I’ve been here almost a year. We have done so much and seen so many amazing places and yet it seems like we have barely scratched the surface of all we want to do here before we leave. In the last year we have visited castles in Germany, Austria, Portugal, Italy, Croatia and Turkey. I’ve been back to Amsterdam and got to see the tulip fields in full bloom then wandered the streets of the Red Light District that feels like home. We’ve hiked with donkeys through Venetian vineyards and Neolithic caves. Venice has become our backyard playground with art exhibits and Carnivale. We walked the paths of the original Olympic games and saw the very place the torch is lit for every game. We’ve shopped the Grand Bazaar of Istanbul after gawking inside Hagias Sophia and the Blue Mosque. We braved the cold in Munich and Neuschwanstein. We’ve had authentic Asiago, parmesan, Romano and mozzarella paired with the best hams, sausages, olives and wines on earth. We walked the medieval walls of more towns than I can count and seen more gilded churches than I could have imagine. If I never see another mummified human body part in a church again I will be happy.
I love our house and yard. Our strawberries plants supplied me with the sweetest dessert last night. One of the strawberries was as big as the palm of my hand. The cherry trees in our yard are bursting. My landlord gave me a gallon size Ziploc and reminded me to help myself to more. I wake up and look out my balcony to see horses and cows grazing below the snowcapped Dolomites. The church bell is like my wind chimes lulling me to sleep.
I still have days where I wonder whose life I’m living and when they are going to take it back. So many times I’ll be driving along and just want to stop the car to take a picture of some bit of scenery that takes my breath away. When I was a little girl I always believed I was going to travel the world just like I knew I didn’t completely belong on that pig farm in Ga. I was right but my life is so far beyond my wildest imagining. I keep telling people to just find a way to get a plane ticket here. I so wish I could just fly everyone I love here to experience this with me. Pictures and words just can’t do it justice.
The Viking was planning on flying 3 of his nieces and nephews over this summer. One decided to stay and work a summer job to save for a new car, another couldn’t be bothered getting a passport so only the youngest is still coming. Unfathomable to me that a would screw up the chance at a free trip to Italy for a month in the summer.
Lil Bit only has another 3 weeks of school then we are headed off on an Italian adventure. An Italian GF I met during the theatre productions is going with us since the Viking is gone. We’re even taking Buster with us. I just finished booking our 5 nights in Tuscany and 5 nights in Rome. We have 2 bedroom villas in both places that are gorgeous and cost under a 100 euro a night. We plan to see Florence, Volterra, Piza, Lucca and Sienna while we are staying in Tuscany. Our place in Rome is on the edge of one of the largest parks just beyond the Vatican. I’m so excited to finally have some time to explore more of Italy. There’s just so much to do that it is hard to decide where to go and what to see.
Don’t be jealous just get that plane ticket and come visit. If we did nothing but the things within an hour drive of our house it would still be the best Italian vacation ever. Hopefully getting back on the therapy couch both here and in RL will help me sort through the feelings that just don’t fit in with my life right now and if not an Aperol spritz or a bottle of Moscato while watching the Italian sunset and the moon rise is sure to make me smile.
Take care and love each other well.
Kisses,
L
 |
|
|
13
Comments
|
|
Still Alive and Kicking
|
Posted:Mar 21, 2014 7:14 pm
Last Updated:May 19, 2014 2:06 pm
154946 Views
|
In the midst of 9 performances of Sweet Charity. I am playing Carmen, one of the dance hall hostesses. I'm coming to the end of my almost 4 month stint as a long term sub. I'm both happy to be going back to getting to sleep in and sad to not be planning and teaching again.
My Viking is gone more lately than he is home. Our sex life is virtually non-existant other than trying to get pregnant and the honeymoon fuck of him returning home when he is gone. There's been no luck getting pregnant since the last miscarriage late last year. Neither of us seems to want to give up but we are both utterly frustrated with the inability to carry. Medically our options here are disappearing fast. My only friend here is almost 12 weeks pregnant and I feel like I'm losing her to the pregnancy. Understandably so but hard none the less.
I'm horny all the time but feel like I'm always demanding sex when we "have to" for ovulation. Otherwise the Viking seems to have gone into sexual camel mode. I alternate between wearing out the batteries on my toys or just shutting down completely. I wish it wasn't that way but have no clue what else to do. Life is amazing here but I am lonely and feel like an outcast leper. I feel isolated, alone, undesirable and like I have to hide who I am to survive here. I have no one other than the Viking who knows or understands me. He does all he can to make up for the support of my friends back home but he is busy and has his own needs. Most of which I don't feel like I'm meeting anymore.
Everyday I wake up amazed and grateful for this incredible opportunity we are living. There are constantly new and beautiful things, places and people to see. Yet through it all I just feel disconnected. I'm exhausted and hoping that the end of this job and a nice long vacation will help me feel human again.
I'm sorry I'm never here anymore but it is rare that I have more than an hour of 2 free to even check and respond to emails. I'm working from 6am to 4 or 5pm sometimes later and on weekends to plan and grade. Show rehearsals have been M-F from 6:30-9pm since Jan and now shows are Friday and Saturdays at 7pm then Sunday at 2pm. I just have no time to do anything but sleep and often not enough of that.
I'll be happy to get back here and have this outlet to write again. I really need it since moving here and just haven't had it. I'm sending you all my love from Italy and hope that life is treating you half as well as it is me & the Viking. Take care and love each other well. Here's a pic from our trip to Venice and Carnivale which was incredible.
Kisses,
L
|
|
|
8
Comments
|
|
To link to this blog (PurplePeach72) use [blog PurplePeach72] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
1
|
21
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
Most Recent Comments by Others
| Spring Fever Update (21) | QUEENKETURAH
Sep 17, 2020 12:51 pm |
| Mirror, Mirror (14) | openguy4kink
Aug 6, 2020 4:42 pm |
| Mammory Monday - Our Fuckfest Resumes (15) | niceguy86_11
Jan 6, 2020 11:35 am |
| Happy Birthday Sexy Mrs. S (4) | topherific
Dec 4, 2019 3:44 pm |
| Purple Peach returns home! (11) | NJGUY08090
Nov 24, 2019 5:50 pm |
| I’m Not Dead Yet! & Early HNW (9) | moha440
Oct 15, 2019 2:16 pm |
| Lessons Relearning (10) | Dtts43rt35
Aug 24, 2018 11:01 am |
| Late HNW Early Fuck You Friday (16) | OHFun2018
Feb 22, 2018 1:23 pm |
| Wishing and Hoping (12) | caribeanstudslut
Jun 17, 2017 4:09 am |
| Summer's End (17) | Like2Watch8101
Oct 14, 2016 5:15 am |
| Building Team LA’s O’s & Joining the Cougar Club (10) | rm_italian8iron
Aug 7, 2016 12:44 pm |
|
|
